Just had to post this...

I know I said I was taking a time out from blogging, but I'm a lawyer. I wouldn't be doing my job if I wasn't talking out of both sides of my mouth at the same time. This was emailed to me by a fellow bar student, Matt W., and I want to make sure I give him the credit. (Editor's note: This has been edited for language from the original format, but the message is the same. Also, for those of you who are not lawyers or law students, this might not be funny at all to you. For that, I'm sorry).

I apologize for my sparse blogging over the past few weeks. Studying for the bar has consumed my life and eaten away at my creative energy. But here is something funny someone sent me to give me a giggle in the midst of my personal hell.

A little list of things that are pissing me off about this Barbri [nonsense]. I am sick to death of the following things in the fact patterns:

1. People who don’t record their deeds:

Hey. [silly] face. That’s a nice deed you got there. Went ahead and bought Stankacre, didya? That’s awesome. Owning property is a sign of real maturity. Now, why don’t you do us all a [stinking] favor, and go record the [stinking] deed.

Right. [Stinking]. Now.

Don’t put it in a [gosh darn] drawer. Don’t go off to India for 20 years. Don’t leave the deed in your will for dear cousin Victorianox.

Get your fat lazy [behind] down to the records office, and record it before I burn your [melon farming] house down.

2: Wily property sellers:

Here is a suggestion to those Bill of Rights violatin’ petty thug [deleted] clowns, the Police. How about you go down to [Black]acre, and arrest the son of a [witch] who sells the same house to 15 different people, over and over. I'm sick of this guy getting away every time he pulls this [trick], and I’m left to sort out the [stinking] pieces.

3: “Known” arsonists

Here’s a little tip to all the cretins that keep hiring “known” arsonists to burn down their cheating girlfriend’s house. Why is it, do you think, that he is a known arsonist, you [cute jerk]? He’s known because he has been [freaking] caught before. You don’t know who the good arsonists are, do you?! Because they have their [shenanigans] together.

But no, you had to go hire Dusseldorf, or Durango, or whatever D word your [foolish] moron arsonist is named, and now he’s gone and burned the wrong house, and left me with a BAR question.

4: People who back out of conspiracies

Why don’t you just stick with it and save us all some trouble, you [cat].

5. Power companies that leave an electric wire live to deter copper theft

While I appreciate your effort to rid the world of thieves stupid enough to try and steal raw copper wiring that’s [inexplicably] humming and has blue arcs dancing on it, it’s just gonna bite you in the [foot] in the end. Just let the copper go.

6. Fertile Octogenarians

I think I speak for all of us when I say……..Burn the witch!

Burn her!

And don’t use a “known” arsonist!

7. People who use anything more complicated than Fee Simple Absolute in a will

Hey, old man. Either give Horatio your [full] interest in Scroteacre, or don’t, alright? Don’t condition it on him growing a mustache, or learning to play the calliope, or winning “Dancing with the Stars.” Don’t grant a springing executive interest to Zenobia if she manages to graduate from Ninja academy.

Stop making my life more complicated than it needs to be, you Narcissistic old [gent], and stop trying to control your property from the grave in a vain attempt to make up for your [perpetual] feebleness in life.

8. House Painters

Just paint the [entire] house yourself, [pal]

Trust me on this one. It’s not worth it.

9. Bank Mortgages

Hi there, First National Bank of South Calizonachussettsas. I don’t mean to tell you how to run your business, but allow me to impart a bit of sage wisdom.

When someone :

1) named Defaultina McBankrupstein,
2) is taking out her 17th mortgage with you,
3) on a place called Mushacre
4) so she can buy a new hat,

….do NOT [melon farming] come crying to me when the inevitable judicial foreclosure sale nets $34, a button, and some lint, all of which are devoured by the banks that are 20 miles ahead of you in creditor line.

And do not ask me whether you are a junior or senior mortgagor, or whether you debt is secured, or some other [bull spit] I don’t understand, because the answer is always the same.

D) You are [not a secured creditor]. Take it like a [deleted] man.

10. Wanna-be Burglars

I am sick to death of these slack-jawed [melon farmers] deciding at 2 a.m. that they need to borrow their neighbors wrench, and are sure he “won’t mind” if they saunter on over there in the middle of the night, crowbar the garage open, smash open his tool chest, and “borrow it.” And then always the inevitable [stinking]:

Did he commit Larceny/Burglary/Robbery?????? Ohhhhh, no intent!

Let him go, boys. Let the man go.

So I can throw the wrench right at his [stinking] teeth.

Good thing when we are really in practice we will have these Intent Goggles ©, that can magically tell us, despite every bit of evidence to the contrary, this jackass really didn’t intend to commit a crime. He genuinely thought that breaking into your neighbor’s house, stealing his car, taking a [spit] on his pool table, and [sleeping with] his wife were all part of the social covenants between good neighbors.