Just had to post this 3...

This was emailed to me by Will Hayes (shameless plug: Michelle, his wonderful wife, makes the best brownies this side of my own mother and those brownies would make the bar and studying for the bar go by a lot sweeter) and I thought it was worthy of posting.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

Just had to post this 2...

In the conference room next to the BarBri Civil Procedure Workshop conference room was this meeting. I'm assuming it's a firm name and not a description of the group members, but I could be wrong.

Just had to post this...

I know I said I was taking a time out from blogging, but I'm a lawyer. I wouldn't be doing my job if I wasn't talking out of both sides of my mouth at the same time. This was emailed to me by a fellow bar student, Matt W., and I want to make sure I give him the credit. (Editor's note: This has been edited for language from the original format, but the message is the same. Also, for those of you who are not lawyers or law students, this might not be funny at all to you. For that, I'm sorry).

I apologize for my sparse blogging over the past few weeks. Studying for the bar has consumed my life and eaten away at my creative energy. But here is something funny someone sent me to give me a giggle in the midst of my personal hell.

A little list of things that are pissing me off about this Barbri [nonsense]. I am sick to death of the following things in the fact patterns:

1. People who don’t record their deeds:

Hey. [silly] face. That’s a nice deed you got there. Went ahead and bought Stankacre, didya? That’s awesome. Owning property is a sign of real maturity. Now, why don’t you do us all a [stinking] favor, and go record the [stinking] deed.

Right. [Stinking]. Now.

Don’t put it in a [gosh darn] drawer. Don’t go off to India for 20 years. Don’t leave the deed in your will for dear cousin Victorianox.

Get your fat lazy [behind] down to the records office, and record it before I burn your [melon farming] house down.

2: Wily property sellers:

Here is a suggestion to those Bill of Rights violatin’ petty thug [deleted] clowns, the Police. How about you go down to [Black]acre, and arrest the son of a [witch] who sells the same house to 15 different people, over and over. I'm sick of this guy getting away every time he pulls this [trick], and I’m left to sort out the [stinking] pieces.

3: “Known” arsonists

Here’s a little tip to all the cretins that keep hiring “known” arsonists to burn down their cheating girlfriend’s house. Why is it, do you think, that he is a known arsonist, you [cute jerk]? He’s known because he has been [freaking] caught before. You don’t know who the good arsonists are, do you?! Because they have their [shenanigans] together.

But no, you had to go hire Dusseldorf, or Durango, or whatever D word your [foolish] moron arsonist is named, and now he’s gone and burned the wrong house, and left me with a BAR question.

4: People who back out of conspiracies

Why don’t you just stick with it and save us all some trouble, you [cat].

5. Power companies that leave an electric wire live to deter copper theft

While I appreciate your effort to rid the world of thieves stupid enough to try and steal raw copper wiring that’s [inexplicably] humming and has blue arcs dancing on it, it’s just gonna bite you in the [foot] in the end. Just let the copper go.

6. Fertile Octogenarians

I think I speak for all of us when I say……..Burn the witch!

Burn her!

And don’t use a “known” arsonist!

7. People who use anything more complicated than Fee Simple Absolute in a will

Hey, old man. Either give Horatio your [full] interest in Scroteacre, or don’t, alright? Don’t condition it on him growing a mustache, or learning to play the calliope, or winning “Dancing with the Stars.” Don’t grant a springing executive interest to Zenobia if she manages to graduate from Ninja academy.

Stop making my life more complicated than it needs to be, you Narcissistic old [gent], and stop trying to control your property from the grave in a vain attempt to make up for your [perpetual] feebleness in life.

8. House Painters

Just paint the [entire] house yourself, [pal]

Trust me on this one. It’s not worth it.

9. Bank Mortgages

Hi there, First National Bank of South Calizonachussettsas. I don’t mean to tell you how to run your business, but allow me to impart a bit of sage wisdom.

When someone :

1) named Defaultina McBankrupstein,
2) is taking out her 17th mortgage with you,
3) on a place called Mushacre
4) so she can buy a new hat,

….do NOT [melon farming] come crying to me when the inevitable judicial foreclosure sale nets $34, a button, and some lint, all of which are devoured by the banks that are 20 miles ahead of you in creditor line.

And do not ask me whether you are a junior or senior mortgagor, or whether you debt is secured, or some other [bull spit] I don’t understand, because the answer is always the same.

D) You are [not a secured creditor]. Take it like a [deleted] man.

10. Wanna-be Burglars

I am sick to death of these slack-jawed [melon farmers] deciding at 2 a.m. that they need to borrow their neighbors wrench, and are sure he “won’t mind” if they saunter on over there in the middle of the night, crowbar the garage open, smash open his tool chest, and “borrow it.” And then always the inevitable [stinking]:

Did he commit Larceny/Burglary/Robbery?????? Ohhhhh, no intent!

Let him go, boys. Let the man go.

So I can throw the wrench right at his [stinking] teeth.

Good thing when we are really in practice we will have these Intent Goggles ©, that can magically tell us, despite every bit of evidence to the contrary, this jackass really didn’t intend to commit a crime. He genuinely thought that breaking into your neighbor’s house, stealing his car, taking a [spit] on his pool table, and [sleeping with] his wife were all part of the social covenants between good neighbors.

Time out

Well, folks, the bar exam is only about 3 weeks away. It's the stretch run. The blog will be on a time out for a few weeks. I'll see you/talk to you in August. Wish me luck.

By way of a quick recap, the 4th of July BBQ was an incredible success, if I may say so myself. Good turnout with plenty of friends. Our team's first run at brisket turned out well, in spite of my amateur butchery. Thanks to all who brought desserts, especially Abbie, Jennifer and Michelle. Props to Stephen for pulling the graveyard shift tending the smoker. For a "going away" party, it was a helluva time. See ya in a month.