Thursday, December 25, 2008

New Feature

New to the blog is a poll, on the right side. Please vote for your favorite Christmas movie.

Thanks, and Merry Christmas to you and yours, from me and mine.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Whale Wars

What is Whale Wars, you may ask. Well, I'm glad you asked me that.

It's a show on the Animal Planet about a group of quasi-pirate, definite moron, hippies from around the world who want to stop the Japanese from killing whales in Antarctic Water. The Japanese claim they are conducting scientific research while the Sea Shepherds (that's what these Rhodes Scholars call themselves) claim they are on solid legal ground in trying to stop the Japanese from whaling. They invited cameras aboard the ship to document the whole thing.

A little background, first. The founder of the anti-whaling group, Paul Watson, is a co-founder of Green Peace. But he was kicked out because, get this, he was too radical for Green Peace. Isn't that like the Republicans kicking out George W because he's too conservative? Maybe a better analogy is that he's the Malcolm X of the eco-terrorism, err, I mean, eco-defense world.

The name of the ship is the Steve Irwin. I'm sure he would have loved to be associated with this group of degenerates. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not in favor of whales becoming extinct. I just think that when people are willing to die to save a whale, it's a bit much for my tastes. When Captain Watson is asked about people risking their lives for whales, his response is that he doesn't see what's so unusual about that. How is that an answer? I'm sure lots of drugs are on board the vessel, but, come on, that makes no logical sense. If I don't see what's so unusual about something, that doesn't make it legal, or safe. For example, if a person says fighting a bear is not that unusual, that doesn't mean it's right. It means that person is a moron. But anyway.

Also on board are a few life long Sea Shepherds. Many of them have been to sea before and could even be called sailors. The rest of the crew are, from what I can tell, volunteer vagabonds from across the globe. Now, if there is anyone I'd like to sail to Antarctica with, it would be this group. Never mind that if anyone fell in the water, they would freeze to death before they could be rescued. Never mind that they want to attack Japanese whaling ships in international water. What could possibly go wrong?

Their plan is to throw stink bombs at the Japanese ships so that the whales that are already on board can't be eaten or used for scientific research. The Japanese, in an effort not to waste the already killed whales, eat the meat from the whales after they conduct their research. That's their claim, anyway. I'm not going to weigh in on that one at this time. But, back to our Sea Shepherds. They throw these stink bombs on board so that the whale meat cannot be eaten. So, in order to do more research, more whales need to be killed. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of stopping whales from being killed? Am I missing something?

I've only seen one episode, but in talking to Will McMillan and GW, they come up with a genius plan for some of the volunteer vagabonds to somehow climb aboard one of the Japanese ships and claim to be kidnapped. The end result will be the Australian government coming to their rescue. Apparently, the Aussies are willing to start an international incident over two morons who got on board a ship and then claimed to be kidnapped, all at the behest of a guy who was too radical for Green Peace.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Photos of the Houston snow

Enjoy the photos. Let me apologize for the formatting, I'm still relatively new to this. Yes, I know if I call tech support I'm likely to speak with somebody I know. Let me save you from having to make that joke.

On to the photos. Starting from the top left, that is Leighton "Spaghetti Sauce" Schubert, mere moments before I pelted him with a snowball the size of a watermelon. The top right photo is, well, it's pretty clear as to what that is. The bottom left is the the snow falling, as seen from the balcony. Enjoy!

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

So, it actually DID snow in Houston tonight. Granted, it was not a blizzard in the traditional sense of the word, but it was enough for us to have a snowball fight. I've never been in one before. Let me tell you, it was epic. I knocked on Leighton's door, he answered it, and I PELTED him in the chest with a monster snow ball. Great fun. Three of us ran around for what seemed like an hour (probably only fifteen minutes) throwing snow around and having a great time. Let me tell you what ruins a great time. A hoodie full of snow. That is then turned on your head. That's when the snowball fight ended.

It's not a lot of snow, but it's sticking to cars and rooftops. It's a clean white. Beautiful. Cars are covered. People are going crazy. Having a good time, throwing snow at friends and neighbors. I have to say, its great. At the same time, I'm glad this is Houston and it will be 65 tomorrow.

You know what really grinds my gears Part 3

You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th century. Why don't they get with the freakin program? It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse!

Ok, on to the list.

1. Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. Ok, not only is this show a total rip off of Anthony Bourdain's show but it's gross, and it sucks. Bizarre does not mean gross. Ok, let's see if I have this right. Andrew goes to different countries and cities and eats the local foods. He makes "clever" "jokes" from time to time. Where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, Bourdain. He does the same thing, except his problem is that he philosophizes too much. Ole Baldy McIdiot eats penis in every country he visits. No, not that. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But he eats some animals testicles on a stick or some animal's penis in a soup on every show. That is gross. I'll just move on.

2. People in the library who tell me to be quiet. Look, hoss, I'm a 3L. And, most importantly, I'm loud. I'm going to talk. And I'm going to talk loudly. Sorry. If you have a problem with it, go to the quiet floor. Or complain about the 1L's on their phones, or the morons who talk with their doors open. I at least close the door. Some of these rocket scientists leave the door open and talk to their buddies. Complain about them. Some people go from room to room, talking to all their friends on the 5th floor (you know who you are, people). So, don't barge into my room and smash my knee against the door and tell me to be quiet. You know I don't deal well with people telling me to be quiet. If you really want to see fireworks, ask Shae to be quiet. She's graduating in December. Tell her to keep it down, and you'll be sorry. I just hope I'm there to see it.

3. The dude who soaked a bunch of paper towels, ripped them up, made tiny spit wads out of them, and left them all over the men's room floor on the 5th floor of the library on Monday. I don't think I need to add to that, the title pretty much summed it up.

4. The Coke (bottle, not can) machine. Ok, who's idea is it to stock the machine at 11:30am. That's right before lunch, professor. If you put the bottles in the machine at 11:30, they won't be cold, or even remotely cool, by lunch time. Can this not be solved? It's not long division. We can figure it out. Let's put bottles in earlier than 11:30. I think, and I haven't doen any research on it, that if we put the bottles in the machine around 10:00 or even 10:30, they'll be cold at lunch time. That makes some sense to me. We can do this, folks. Yes we can!

5. People who wear stupid hats. Even if it's cold, for Houston, you don't need to wear a hat with ear flaps. You're not scaling Everest, Sir Edmund. It's 50 degrees. Stupid hats would also include people who wear caps sideways, or crooked, or whatever the kids call it these days. Wear it forwards, or, if you absolutely must, backwards. But not crooked. You look like a moron. Further, while admittedly I'm not the most fashion-knowledgeable person there is, trucker hats are over. That tragic era in fashion has come and gone. You're not Ashton Kutcher. Get a new hat, stud.

Houston: We have a problem

Yes, I made that joke. It's tired, it's weak, it's predicable. Deal with it.

On to the problem. It's cold in Houston today. 35 degrees. There is even the possibility of snow.

Now, ordinarily, when the temperature drops below 65 degrees, Houstonians lose their collective minds. You see dusters, mittens, snow hats (I refuse to call them "toboggans" -- while I've never been on a toboggan, I know it's more or less a sled and not something you put on your head. I don't care what you tell me, it's a snow hat). You should see these people, it's absolutely insane. People start up the fire place, drink cocoa, wear four layers of clothes. It's just silly. Especially since they leave their windows open those days. Those who don't open the windows keep the A/C on. So it's not exactly cold. You could even say it's cool. You're still wearing flip-flops, for God's sake!!

When it actually drops below 50, people really go ape. They start stocking up on dry goods. It's not Armageddon, chief, you won't need a crate of canned carrots or creamed corn (nice alliteration there, huh? Even if I do say so myself!!).

When it rains in Houston, people (most of whom [insert your own group here, I'm staying above the fray] can't drive worth a darn anyway) lose any ability to drive. There is a major pile up on some freeway anytime it rains. When it ices, which happens once every 9 years, it's a disaster. Houston has two (2) trucks that they can use to de-ice the roads. Two (2)!!! You know how many roads there are in Houston? It would take two (2) trucks till the next ice storm to get all the roads. I can't imagine what would happen if there was snow.

Which brings me to my point. Yesterday, it was 75 degrees. It was getting cold at night, no doubt. But this morning, it was 35 when I left my apartment. It's going to be in the 60s by Friday. But that doesn't mean people can't lose their minds. No way.

The headline on the Chronicle was about snow. People were in an uproar. Every radio station was talking about snow. People were talking about snow. The Internet was talking about snow (can the Internet talk? I'll ask Mr. Gore and get back to you on that one).

The last time it "snowed" in Houston was in 2006. I was grilling. It was Christmas eve. I had no idea what was falling from the sky. No clue. Christmas day came, and there was snow stuck to the roofs of houses. It was actually quite beautiful. It was, however, 75 degrees later that week, but that's not the point.

If it really snows in Houston, the city will cease to function. Nobody will be able to go anywhere. Nothing will get done. Chaos will ensue. That's why I'm back home. Away from the library. In case it snows, I don't want to be stranded. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Quotable Quotes

It's been pretty busy lately, what with finals and all going on right now. People aren't getting enough sleep and are saying ridiculous things. In honor of that, I'll be memorializing some of them. Only the family friendly ones. Because, let's face it, a lot of it is simply not printable here. Let's get to it.

Me: I don't want to be any kind of cat.
Leighton: Chester the cat was pretty cool.
Me: Chester?
Leighton: From that cartoon. Chester the cat.
Me: Which cartoon is that? I don't remember any Chester the cat.
Leighton: Uhh, I think Alice in Wonderland.
Me: You mean a Cheshire cat?
Leighton: I'm an idiot.

Monday, December 1, 2008

History made: Texans finally on Monday Night Football

Well, sir, the Texans played on Monday Night Football (and thumped the Jaguars!!!) this evening for the first time. So, in honor of that occasion, I decided to talk about the hometown squad. (Note: this is not going to be an in-depth analysis of the team, or even X's and O's, but a discussion about fan-dom [If that's not a word, I just made it up. Is it too soon to "coin" the term, Jennifer? Too late? Let me know, kindly] and what that means to me (so, by proxy, if you agree with me you're correct and if not, well then you're wrong. You're either with us or against us. Haven't we heard that somewhere before? I forget. Finals are upon us and my brain isn't what it once was. Forgive me.).

So, I'm a Houston guy. You know that. I always figured, you should be proud of where you're from. And I am. Just ask me, I'll tell you. The Texans are from Houston, so they're my team. The Oilers (who I never liked, those traitorous dogs ["dogs" being a family-friendly word, while I had a few others in mind]) left Houston and the Texans opened up shop in 2002. The Texans represent Houston. There is it, that's my team. Seems simple, right?

Well, it's not as easy as it sounds. The Texans have never had a winning season. They've been close, twice. Last year they finished 8-8 and in 2004 they were 7-9. Andre Johnson is all world. Mario Williams (more on this later) and DeMeco Ryans are close. Steve Slaton and Jacoby Jones are as promising as they are fast. The Texans beat the hated Cowboys in their inaugural game, 19-10. Is it sad if the first game, back in 2002, is the highlight of the franchise?

There have been a lot (and I'm being generous here) of bad (again, generosity, as this should read utterly worthless, gut-wrenching, and personally embarrassing) moments. The Vince Young (more on him later, too) game where local hero ran in the winning score minutes after I predicted such an ending. Even this year, the Sage-copter game, the Jacksonville melt down, the sheer lack of aggression (is "pedestrian" degrading enough?) from the defense this year, the season opening beat down at the hands of the Steelers, the whole David (no joke required) Carr, all those wasted picks, stupid trades (Phyllis Buchanan!!!) and foolish free agent signings, and on and on and on. It's been rough. Damned rough. Yeah, they were an expansion team. Yeah, they had different rules than when the Jaguars and Panthers came into the league in 1996. Look it up: no cap, extra picks, and on.

(I know I left some good moments out and some bad moments out. Feel free to mention them.)

But, fans I (and we) remain. I've been to games. I watch nearly every game (even when I lived in NOLA and New Haven, I found places to watch the games). I buy jerseys. I talk about the team. I defend them (Nate). I watch the draft. Hell, I've even been to practices. Outside. In August. Did I mention in Houston?

Why do I (and we) remain? Because it's the right thing to do? No, that's not it. Plenty of people could care less about football (I call them communists, but that's not the point here, folks). Plenty of people can claim to like the top teams in every league. People could have a new favorite team every year, if that team is winning. I know people like that. I won't names, but you know who you are. It's not me, but this person's name may or may not rhyme with mine.

There are a number of reasons why I (we) remain. Sure, part of the reason is that it's the Houston Texans. You have to like the hometown team. That stadium sure is beautiful. There are no morons or knuckleheads on this team shooting themselves in the thigh, beating their wives (no, that's not another shot at Lugo. On second thought, let's make it a shot at Julio "I slammed my wife's head off of the hood of our car in the parking lot of the stadium hours before a game" Lugo) or acting like jerks. Signs point to improvement at some point, hopefully sooner than later. I think the biggest reason is the expected (it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen) emotional payoff when the Texans finally win something. The division, a playoff game, the Super Bowl (we can dream, can't we?). That payoff will be huge. Way better than the shame of losing, of being very near exact replicas of losers, of being the laughing stock.

The payoff will be bigger than the pleasure of seeing Mario go for 3 sacks on MNF after being taken controversially as the top pick in the draft over Reggie (That house isn't free) Bush and local god Vincent Paul Young (I'm man enough to admit I still have a man crush at that man [no homo]). We don't need to go down that road again. I think it's clear Mario is super (yup, I went there). I also think its equally clear Reggie Bush has been good when healthy, but not a franchise back. Further, and this may be seen as heresy by some people, Vince took a team to the playoffs but was benched in favor of Kerry ("is it happy hour yet?") Collins. Objectively, that's not a good sign. I'm not saying anything about anything else VY may have done at bars without his shirt on and surrounded by dudes, with a suicide counselor, not being able to throw in the NFL, getting a 5 on the Wunderlick, etc. The Texans made the right call after being lambasted all across the country. They were right. Wow, that feels good to say.

(The Red Sox won two World Series [and their fans all turned to hated, bitter, obnoxious jerks] so anything is possible.)

That payoff, whenever it happens, will be worth it. That's why I'm a fan. That's why we're fans. I (we) may be entirely too emotionally invested in something we have no and cannot have any control over, but that's why we're fans.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Greatest "Inventions" of the past ten years

In honor of Thanksgiving and the holiday season, I think we should all give thanks for the things we have. In that vein, my cousin Jay and I were discussing where our lives would be without some of the things we know take for granted. Our conversation centered around cell phones. It's remarkable to think everybody did not have a cell phone even ten years ago. You had to be a doctor or a drug dealer to have a cell phone in the 80's. But now, everybody has cell phones. I've seen little kids, and I'm talking 8 with iPhones (which, incidentally, are incredible). There are some things that make our lives better, more convenient, and just more fun.

Now, I say "invention" because I include improvements of existing products, but here are the basic rules. The product, brand name, idea, etc. must be relatively new or a relatively new improvement of an existing product, brand name, idea, etc. It doesn't have to make the world better, overall, but just make your world better. Obviously, a solar powered car that uses no fossil fuels yet has room for 6 and a DVD player for "Finding Nemo" would top the list, but since that either costs a ton of money or (more likely) does not exist, it didn't quite make the cut. Here is my list, and, as always, feel free to offer your own suggestions.

1. Text messages. I'd say they are an improvement over phone calls for a number of reasons. First of all, they are easier to manage. Calling somebody is a big deal now. I only call if I have to. If it can be expressed in a few words, you don't need to call. Major pet peeve and drawback, however, is the unnecessary response text message (Abbie). Saying "thank you" or "ok", or worse, "k" is almost never (I said almost, so relax) needed. I don't care if I do have unlimited text, I don't need to check the message to see that you said "ok." Sorry, I lost control for a second.

2. HDTV. I can actually see the gray hairs in Brett Favre's beard glisten with sweat after he flings another ball deep into double coverage, resulting in a game-ending interception. Wait a second, ESPN is on the line. They are calling on behalf of the rest of the media saying I can't criticize Brett Favre, because he is perfect. So, scratch that previous example. HDTV (which, by the way, is the first thing I'm buying after passing the bar) has such good picture, I can actually see Tracy McGrady's reluctance to drive the lane against good teams with the game on the line on his face before his body language turns WNBA (believe, it was hard to keep this part PG) and he hoists up a turn-around, fade-away 30 footer against a defender who "he" outweighs by 20 pounds and is taller than by 6 inches. But, back to my point (I'm saving my t-mac rant for when he actually plays more than 20 minutes a game, or at all, and then chokes like the dog we all know he is).

3. Youtube. If I want to see idiots make fools of themselves, I can just look to the Internet. If I want to see Afro-ninja, well, by golly, I can see that back-flipping, nun chuck-waving SOB anytime I want to. If there is ever anyone who does something stupid on video, it's on youtube. And that's great. Closely related to #3 are digital cameras and cell phone cameras. Where would we be without them?

4. Deep fried turkey. Yeah, I'm sure they were invented or eaten more than ten years ago, but I didn't eat one till about 5 or 6 years ago, so I'm including it on the list. Get over it. This is the only way to do Thanksgiving. There are few things better than deep fried turkey, pumpkin pie, football, the couch, and sweat pants. That's just about heaven, if you ask me.

5. The Showtime grill. You know, set it and forget it. I don't actually have one of these bad boys, but the only time I saw it used, it was great. Here's how it happened. I went over to my buddy's house (I won't say who, but you might be able to guess) to hang out. It was a lazy Saturday on a holiday weekend in the summer time. Well, this friend got a stuffed chicken for us to eat. He tied that sucker around the spit of the grill and, as they say, set it and forgot it. Well, only thing is, the string couldn't hold the chicken onto the grill. Keep in mind, this same friend has earlier used the grill to cook up a brisket, which he removed with his barehands, only to discover it was hot and nearly dropped onto the floor, but I digress. So we are already assuming the worst and cracking up when the chicken falls off of the spit and onto the floor of the grill, causing a small to medium grease fire. Well, this friend of mine, he is nothing if not determined. So he put that chicken back onto the spit and tried again. Once again, it fell off. Stuffing was all over the bottom of the grill. Grease was all over the kitchen, the door of the grill, his hands, I mean everywhere. Well, I'm literally rolling on the floor laughing while he takes the chicken out a few minutes later, burnt to a crips on one side and raw as can be on the other. What happened to the chicken, you might ask? Well, this friend ate as much of that chicken as he could. He did not develop salmonellla and actually enjoyed the part of the chicken he ate. All and all, I'd have to say a product that provides such entertainment is nothing if not a modern marvel.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Law School: Or How I Became an Argumentative Anatomical Object that Rhymes with Bass Bowl

Now, I'm assuming some of you will quibble with the word "became" in the title, and that would land you in one of two camps: People who have known me a long time, or lawyers. This is mostly directed at camp #2, but I digress. Camp #2, you're just making my argument for me by arguing with "became."

By way of background, and this may seem to be totally unrelated (Will McMillan or Leighton, that's 8, if you're counting at home) but I'll tie it all together if you give me a moment, but anyway, my dad retired. One of the things he has started doing is cooking. He's actually gotten very good at making a lot of things, and one of the absolute best things is homemade grilled pizza. He makes the dough, grills it outside, then the lucky diners (read: Luke, mom, and me) assemble their pizza with whichever toppings they choose, then the pizza goes back on the grill for a few minutes until they are good and hot. Man, these things are good, but this post is about law school and me, not pizza; again, I digress.

So, this morning, I'm talking to my mom. Just normal chit chat until the conversation turns to Thanksgiving. So, this year, it's going to be a lighter turnout as compared to year's past, but it will still be good. My mom is in charge this year, and she was planning what other meals we would be having during the holiday. One of those meals is going to be grilled pizza. It's all coming up Milhouse, if you ask me.

So, in order to make things easier, my mom was going to make the dough ahead of time. She asks me if I knew where the whole wheat flour was for the dough. Me, being close to 20 miles away, under the covers in my apartment, respond with the usual, "I don't know." My mom says that dad, who is now in charge of the kitchen (and doing a fantastic job, for the most part [sometimes, things don't get put back where they came from {pay attention here, kidz, this is the point of my story}]) hid the flour. My response is, "I don't think he hid the flour. The requisite intent was not there. Dad may have misplaced it, or put it down somewhere else, but it's not hidden." My mom says if you can't find it, it's hidden.

So, I'm thinking a few things at this point. One, make a point about mens rea (mental state, in terms of culpability for those who don't know) by saying dad shouldn't be blamed for an intentional act when we all know he didn't put the flour back in the wrong place on purpose. He could have put it back in the wrong place but no way was it on purpose. Two, blame the housekeeper. The ole empty chair defendant trick. Three, "Man, that defense attorney instinct sure did kick in there, even against my own mother. Good lord. You don't know where the flour is, just say that and shut up. What's wrong with you? This is why people hate attorneys. (Random lawyer joke: What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving off of a cliff? A good start!!) You're arguing about something you have no idea about. You're in your apartment. You haven't seen the pantry at home in weeks. Just shut up, rhymes with bass bowl (that would be my Indian name [not that Indian, the other one]). Law school really did make me (perhaps "more of" should be in the sentence, but relax) an argumentative jerk.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Yet another late comer to the Hates the "Zero" Campaign Bandwagon

This time, thanks to reader and blog enthusiast Jordy...,8599,1860403,00.html

Highlight of the Time article is as follows, "In other words, it's like water torture, and people just want it to stop."

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

attention: pathetic guy

OK, I understand the semester is almost over. I also realize a number of people are at the end of the law school career (Hello GW). People are busy studying, papers are due, not a lot of people are sleeping all that much. But there is no excuse to fall asleep in class, even if Civil Pretrial Litigation isn't the most exciting class there is.

This dude tonight nearly fell out of his seat in class. His neighbor woke him up, Sleepy waved the good Samaritan off and went back to sleep. I mean, he was leaning way over in his seat. He then put his head down and snoozed for the next hour. Everyone was looking around the room, snickering and laughing until things took a turn for the worse.

Apparently, he wet his pants. Not a little. A lot. His pants were visibly wet and there was a puddle on his seat. Never ever, under any circumstances, sit in the back row of room 418 in the second seat from the right. Ever. I suppose it would be in poor taste to post a photo of this guy, or mention him by name, but those photos exist and are out there.

Even though the class applauded for the professor, this guy did not wake up. Even though the class of close to 100 packed their belongings and left, this guy did not wake up. Apparently, according to somebody who left class after me, another classmate pointed out that this dude's pants were wet, prompting this genius to scream and run out of the room, urine dripping down his pants and onto the carpet.

Another shining example of the quality of the South Texas College of Law community.

UPDATE: The person whose name will not be mentioned by me only came to class because he couldn't miss another one, per ABA rules. But, in an ironic turn of events, since he was passed out, the role was passed right over his head and he did NOT sign the role. This is why booze and class don't mix.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Another update on "Zero"

From's Peter King...

"Someone please -- I IMPLORE YOU -- put that "Saved by zero'' Toyota commercial out of its misery."

Another copy cat. Pathetic.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

more birthday wishes

Two of my best friends are turning 27 this week. I suppose its appropriate that this was the week I spoke about getting old but not growing up.

You know, the thing about best friends is, you don't have to speak every day, or hang out every weekend, to be best friends. You don't even need to live in the same state. Hell, when you do see each other or talk to each other, it's like nothing changed. You still remember the same inside jokes. You can start the same conversation or continue the same argument without skipping a beat. You've known each other that well, for that long, that you don't even need to speak to communicate. A look or a gesture means more than any statement. So what if somebody throws up in the car, or on somebody's pants, or off of the street car? Trips to the mall are as much fun as trips to Vegas when you're with your best friends. Steaks off of the grill in the yard are as good as steaks from Morton's. Ball games are as much fun on the couch as they are in person. Card games are as much fun as a trip to the casino.

You remember each other's old phone numbers. Not to mention each other's favorite drinks, foods, movies, and jokes. The best memories you have include each other. You can act like you really want to in front of each other. Nicknames make sense with each other, no matter how ridiculous. You love the same people, and you hate the same people. You know what each other are going to order before they do at a Mexican restaurant (las granjas [or recently quesadillas] and Caesar salad...come on guys, you KNOW i know that).

Happy birthday Ajay. Happy birthday Laura. (in chronological order. [read nothing more into that. and we all know who's going to have beef with that]).

Top 10 reasons you're still not an adult, no matter how old you feel

Disclaimer: yes, in the eyes of the law, anyone over 18 is an "adult" but I'm not talking about legality, I'm referring instead to maturity, a key quality many of us display in key stretches and situations in what can only be described as Oscar-quality acting.

1. If you still laugh at (let's just call them) "bathroom" jokes.

2. If shorts are still acceptable in most social situations.

3. If you still wear jerseys to watch sporting events (nobody is more guilty of this than me).

4. If one of your favorite movies is still Tommy Boy.

5. If "chili" and "hot dog" is part of your food vocabulary.

6. If you're paying rent and not a mortgage.

7. When a PlayStation or other video game system is still on your entertainment agenda.

8. If you have and use Facebook.

9. If people with accents still make you laugh.

10. If splashing through puddles in your car makes you laugh.

Top 10 signs you're getting old

1. When the music really is too loud. Look, we've all been there. You just want to talk to your friends, you don't want to dance, you just want to talk about the good ole days, but you can't since you can't hear, since the music is too loud.

2. When you can't even identify the genre of music being played, let alone the name of the band.

3. When you come home at 7am and you say to yourself, damn, I'm getting too old for this s&@t,Vegas be damned.

4. When you really do want to keep those whippersnappers off the lawn.

5. When conversations with your friends (those you can hear, at least) center on IRAs, school districts, and interest rates.

6. When guys being drafted into the NFL were in high school when you graduated from undergrad (not to mention just calling college "undergrad")

7. When hot wings or enchiladas at 11 means Rolaids at 1.

8. When you can remember drinking water out of a glass and not out of a bottle.

9. When you start spotting grays in your goatee (OK, that's just me) or on top of your head.

10. When you really do look forward to (and need, to be honest) that wake up cup of coffee.

Honorable mention goes to: When, after playing basketball or football, you either ice your knee or think to yourself "these old bones"; when you're actually offended by jokes that aren't at your expense; when your idea of a great Saturday afternoon includes a nap; whenever nearly everyone of your stories begins with, "remember when..."; and, finally, when you remember Lou Holtz as the cheating coach at Notre Dame and not the moron with the speech impediment and the coke bottle glasses who spits all over the set on ESPN.

Friday, November 7, 2008

I beat's Bill Simmons

From today's Sportguy article. Note, I said this first. Sunday. Not today. I was first. In your face. Thank you. (Jennifer, I'm going to credit this to and put quotation marks so I don't get sued. Right move?)

    "Saaaaaaved byyyyyy zerrrrrr-ohhhhhhhhhh.

    "Now, for a limited time only, you can get amazing zero APR financing on your favorite Toyota."

    Saaaaaaved byyyyyy zerrrrrr-ohhhhhhhhhh.

    "That's 0 percent financing on 11 different models! Featuring Toyota's legendary quality. No other car brand can make this offer. So hurry in now, and see how much zero can save you on a brand new Toyota."

    Saved by zero! Saved by zero!

(By the way, I did that off the top of my head. We are reaching the point where I am two weeks away from stopping by my local Toyota dealership, buying a brand-new Toyota Tundra with zero APR financing, driving the car off the lot, doing a U-turn, then plowing it through the front window of the dealership at 60 mph while screaming, "SAVED BY ZERO," like the guys from "Red Dawn" screamed, "WOLVERINES!" Cut down on the ads, Toyota. We're not kidding. You know why you haven't see John Mellencamp in two years? He's trapped in the basement of some frustrated baseball fan who dressed him like the Gimp and keeps him in a trunk after hearing "Our Country" for the 700,000th time. Look, we're all ecstatic that the guys from the Fixx are getting royalties again. Just tone it down. We get it. Zero APR financing. Heard you loud and clear.)"

Winner? Not Sportsguy...This guy.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

update on Saved by Zero

Looks like I'm not the only one who hates "Saved by ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRROOOOOO"

Facebook groups, other bloggers, even the AP hate this ad.

Thanks for the update, Luke.


It was brought to my attention that some inappropriate and obscene images were placed on my blog. I apologize to anyone who was offended or was looking at this blog at work or school.

Please know it was not me who put these images there. Why anyone would hack my blog is beyond me, but please know it was not me who did this.

I have tried to keep this blog PG-13 (at worst) and have heavily limited my profanity and kept all posts out of the gutter, so to speak. I do this so you can feel comfortable reading along at work or school or in mixed company. That was one of my goals from day 1, and will remain so.

If anyone sees anything else that is offensive, please let me know so I can remove it. Thank you.

A new theory has come to light, thanks to Laura. I posted pictures by copying and pasting URLs from the Internet. That URL is no longer the UPS guy but something less kosher, shall we say. That new image was saved in the old location, leading to trouble. Again, my apologies.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

a few thoughts on the elections

Ok, this is not going to be a regular part of the blog, but I felt the need (and was cajoled by somebody who I sometimes disagree with but, at the same time, whose opinion I respect) to say a little something about the recent political changes. I'll start with the Obama-mania and then turn to a few of the important local elections.

First Disclaimer: For those of you who know my political feelings, you know that I am an economic conservative and I have some liberal social leanings. I'm not going to be confused with Nancy Pelosi; at the same time, I won't be confused with George W. either. I am in favor of women being able to choose whether or not to have an abortion and I think we should recycle and conserve our natural resources. At the same time, I think the "idea" about global warming is overblown by the media and I think the government should stop legislating morality and keep its ever-growing nose out of the economy. Second Disclaimer: If you disagree, that's cool. If you agree, also cool. This is just one man's somewhat informed opinion. In any event, on to the races.

I think Obama HAD to become President. Change is a good thing. The country had swung too far to the right and was too heavily influenced by the religious right. I think the country began this swing in 1994 when the Dems were swept out and the GOP had free run over both the House and Senate. Things intensified when W became President. 9-11, a truly tragic and life-altering moment, only pushed things further right. And I agreed with the decision to put the fight to terrorists and go after Osama bin Laden. Iraq, not so much. Especially since no Iraqi's (to our knowledge) were involved in 9-11. Egyptians, Saudis, Pakistanis and Afghans were responsible. But, this is a post about elections, not 9-11 and the war, so I'll re-focus.

W won again in 2004, more by default than by true victory over the largely impotent and inconsequential John Kerry. How a man so worthless could become Senator truly boggles the mind. Although asking how a man so worthless became President is not only a fair question, but perhaps a better one. In any event, I digress, once again.

The country HAD to go back to the left. Much like the economy, politics is cyclical. Much like a pendulum, things will swing back to the center and then some. How far the swing to the left will be is up in the air and this is my true fear. The Wall Street and financial bail outs make me shudder. And this was pushed by the GOP. This is America, not the USSR. Hey Washington, stay the hell out of the economy. You morons are just going to mess it up. And believe me, "mess" was far and away the nicest word I thought. And it wasn't even close. Believe me, I realize all Beltway Insiders, across the aisle, are in bed with big business and whose vote is always available (just name the price). I'm not naive. But at the same time, let the economy cycle. It will be fine. Don't play God and step in. Stay out. However (channeling the incarnation of pure evil, Stephen A Smith) I think Congress should certainly concern itself with the BCS and steroids in baseball. Forget that fact that we are in two wars, our economy is not exactly humming along on all cylinders, and health care being in the toilet, let's talk about sports. You all know I love sports, but there ARE more important things for our "leaders" to address.

Anyhoo, here is my point (wow, that took a long time, even for me)...I hope this GOP disgrace will be the kick in the pants the GOP needs to get back to its roots of economic conservatism and small government. Balance the budget. Don't, and I'll repeat, don't "tax and spend." Do what you promised you would do, if you can even remember.

I hope Obama takes this country back to the middle. Historically, our country has worked best with a different party in control of Congress than in the White House. When it's the same party, bad things happen. (I'd say the Patriot Act, but I don't want to be water boarded for using my 1st Am. rights). Here's the problem, as I see it: Obama is somewhat left (how far depending on who you ask) and Congress is left. Citizens are looking for change from the previous administration and the religious right. Look at the fervor with which people were celebrating the election results. I only hope we don't become Sweden, or worse, France. I can see shades of socialism in the buy out, and I don't like it. I hope I'm wrong (wow, when have I ever said that???) and that we go back to the middle where we should be, but I just don't know. And nobody will know for at least 4 or 8 years, or possibly even longer (History shall be our guide) how Obama did. We don't need to focus on this immediate second. Take a long-term view. Look at the horizon. Then we can see what worked and what didn't and who was right and who was wrong.

On to the local scene (for those of you not living in Houston, or even Texas, feel free to read on but you probably won't care anymore [assuming you cared before])...

1. Judge Pay Lykos, at the time of writing, was up by close to 4400 votes with 99% of precincts in. Thank God. Chief Bradford was an incompetent Police Chief and would be a worse DA. Come on people, remember the police lab scandal? The perjury? The raise he gave himself right before he left office? The boost in pension he gave himself? This is the guy he want in charge? I don't think so. Now, I've heard Judge Lykos can be a bit short with people. I've also heard she's one of the sharpest judicial minds in Texas. This is the person we want in charge.

2. So many criminal judges will be different come January. Democrats have ridden Obama's coattails all across the nation, and the Harris County Criminal Justice Center is no different. Don Stricklin, Brock Thomas (not to mention his father, soon-to-be-ex-Sheriff Tommy Thomas), and Caprice Cosper will be disrobed, so to speak. But people like Off her rocker Crocker stay on. Perhaps this is why judges shouldn't be elected, but that's for another time. Don Stricklin was one of the finest judges in Harris County. A case set in his court would actually get to trial in less than one year. I just don't know what these new judges are going to do. I don't think I'm exactly entirely unbiased in this regard, but it's moronic that all these judges were swept out on the wave of Democrats who came crashing down on Harris County simply because they were Dems. I don't care which side of the aisle you're on, good criminal judges are so valuable. You don't sweep them out because you like Obama. And I think that is what happened. And I don't like it. Perhaps these new judges will be great, perhaps even better than those they replaces. I truly hope so. But, again, only time will tell.

3. Ed Emmett snuck back in as County Judge because of his swift and efficient reaction to Hurricane Ike. David Mincburg is a successful businessman and was a key member of Mayor White's administration. Heck, he even had a pretty catchy radio jingle. Judge Emmett, however, is the straw that stirs the drink in Harris County. The right man won this election.

Well, this could all be wrong when I wake up (I'm talking about things on the local scene; Obama hooped McCain [no repeat of the 2000 hanging chad and recount incident, so let's stay above the fray, folks]). But I doubt it.

Monday, November 3, 2008

You what really grinds my gears...Part 2

These doozies narrowly missed the first list, but are nearly as annoying.

1. The UPS Whiteboard commercials. In all honesty, some of the transmogrifying drawings are quite clever. Some are even fairly creative. But that long-haired doofus who "stars" in the commercials is a freak of nature. You know what's worse, I can't even figure out what it is exactly I dislike so much about this guy. I don't know what it is, but he really gets under my skin. It may be that he thinks he's so great. (Random but kind of related tangent: As I'm writing this, that freakin' saved by zero ad came on. I just realized zero is the interest rate and not the name of a new model. I actually looked at the TV when this came on and learned something new. Go figure.) I always liked the "What can brown do for you?" ad campaign, for obvious reasons.

2. Red Lobster. No offense meant to the late, great Chuckie Brown (Wait, Chuckie's not dead? Really? My mistake.) but Red Lobster is garbage. Come on folks, is it really noteworthy that it is currently Lobster Fest when it is ALWAYS Lobster fest? Why don't you just tell us when it's not Lobster Fest and save the rest of us some confusion. Secondly, saving a few bucks on seafood is not exactly my idea of a good time. I'll gladly pay an extra few dollars and get the fresh seafood that wasn't rejected by the cat food factory. Let's move on.

3. Olive Garden. Really, they send their "chefs" to Tuscany to train with great Italian master chefs on the secrets of reheating factory-prepared sauce and boiling noodles. I promise, they really do that. Because we all know how much Italians love Americans, especially those American chefs who are working for Olive Garden and pumping out all those masterpieces. Give me a break. You jackasses reheat the sauce and microwave the chicken and you know it.

4. Verizon. You don't actually have those guys following us around, checking the service and towers, Verizon. It was creative. It really was. But that was 2005. How about a new ad campaign? That jerk with the thick glasses (another "fashion" trend that bothers me, but i digress) needs to go. Enough is enough. Can you hear me now?

5. ITT Tech and all the other schools for losers. OK, losers might be a harsh word, but we're not talking about the cream of the crop here, people. If you are laying on the couch around 1pm, waiting for inspiration as to what to do with your life, are these people who barely have a pulse, let alone a career, truly going to get you off your butt and into "school?" Look, I'm as in favor of people working and contributing to society as anyone else could be. But you're not going to make your dreams come true by going to ITT Tech. You might not even make more than $10 per. So let's quit selling false hopes, ITT. For their sake.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

You what really grinds my gears...

The following commercials, in fact, grind my gears, to turn a phrase. In honor of the first offender, I'll make this list five, but, trust me, many more could have made this list. As always, your comments are welcomed and encouraged.

1. "Five. Five dollar. Five dollar foot long." This Subway commercial is mostly mindless, but that inane jingle always gets stuck in my head. Believe you me, when you're whistling "Five...Five dollar..." when you're trying to get a coke out of the fridge, you've got problems. And that problem is Subway. Which leads directly to #2.

2. Jared from Subway. Ok, we get it. Subway plus exercise helped you lose weight. So did the gastric bypass you fail to mention you had. Oh, you didn't mention that, did you? What a liar. And a jerk. Disclaimer: I don't actually know he had the surgery, but I just assume. Also, to quote Jeremy, "Way to go. You went from a fat slob to a nerdy loser." I'd call that a lateral move, folks.

3. "Saved by Zero." This car not only sucks, but the song is equally bad, if not worse. Now, I'm not saying Honda makes bad cars. A lot of people drive Hondas. They're dependable. Good mileage. Decent re-sale value. Pretty good buy. But good night, these commercials are terrible. Remember the one with the car who spoke to a turtle in one commercial and then to a lobster in another? Horrible. Shameful. Somebody needs to line up the ad department over at Honda and slap them, one by one.

4. Frank TV ads. During the MLB playoffs on TBS, seemingly every other pitch was followed by a promo for Frank Caliendo's "hit" "show" Frank TV. This short bald freak does one good impression, and that's John Madden. He has a few other decent ones, but to give this man a show (an entire freakin' show!!!) is just embarrassing for the rest of us. This guy could do a guest spot on a sketch comedy show from week to week. He's even mildly (not retarded, although I wanted to say that) entertaining. For about 3 to 4 minutes. But to give this a-hole a show is terrible.

5. The Charmim bathroom tissue bears. First of all, who calls it "bathroom tissue"? I'm not blowing my nose into this stuff. It's toilet paper. This isn't rocket science, folks. And I think it's just gross to give bears toilet paper. Imagine the mess that would make. Better yet, don't imagine that. It will haunt your thoughts and dreams for years. That's just gross.

Also, I hate Chris Berman. This had to be mentioned at some point.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Mt. Rushmore of this Generation

Ok, Christian Bale is not anywhere near the pantheon of this generation. He's good, but not on the same level.

Here's the Mt. Rushmore:

1. Johnny Depp -- Fear and Loathing, Donnie Brasco, Pirates, Blow, Gilbert Grape.

2. Leonardo DiCaprio --Blood Diamond, The Aviator, The Departed, Catch me if you Can, Titanic, Basketball Diaries

3. Matt Damon -- The Bourne movies, the Ocean's movies, Departed, Good Shepherd, Dogma and all those movies, Rounders, Good Will Hunting, Saving Private Ryan, Field of Dreams (go ahead, look it up. He's in there. Small uncredited role, but he's there.

4. Russell Crowe -- Gladiator, Cinderella Man, American Gangster, Master and Commander, Beautiful Mind, LA Confidential, Virtuosity, 3:10 to Yuma

To quote TK, "There it is, that's the list."

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Update on Vince Vaughan, et al.

First, Don Cheadle is an excellent actor but would you want him as your leading role in all kinds of movies? Maybe, maybe not. Action movie? I don't think so. Again, he's very good but not great. He's been a great character actor and was good in Hotel Rwanda, but come one, that movie was so sad and gut-wrenching, anybody could have done it.

We're talking Hall of Fame with Jack, Bobby, Al and those guys. Not solid producer, but Hall of Famer. Stratosphere good. That's not Cheadle. Not to diminish him, but he's Drew Bledsoe. You can win with him (not now, but at one point you could. Relax Jeremy, I'm not attacking Drew) but he doesn't make you a Super Bowl favorite by himself. Better analogy, Scottie Pippen. Can do a lot of everything, doesn't really dominate, can't do it all by himself. Needs a Batman to his Robin.

Leo was left off of this list accidentally. He is good, although Titanic sinks his chances (pun certainly intended). His best work was Growing Pains, undoubtedly. He's probably on the Mt. Rushmore of this generation.

Downey Jr. is Jeremy's hero b/c of the racist/insensitive joke freedom, but his star is not as bright as Jack, or Pacino, or Bobby DeNero. Not even close. He's a foot hill, not a mountain.

Johnny Depp would be the best actor of this generation, hands down. He's Mr. Lincoln on the Mt. Rushmore of this generation. That was a screw up on my part, but i intended to make this a post about Vince Vaughan being the same character in every movie. The best thing about Vince Vaughan is his initials. Very powerful initials indeed. It's not his acting, that's for damn sure.

Cap'n Jack is the winner. To quote everybody's favorite oaf, Warrick Dunn (no, not the running back, the running into people, food spilling, giant), "My bad, my bad!"

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Vince Vaughan: Greatest Actor of this Generation?

When you think of iconic actors, you think of Pacino, DeNiro, Hanks, Nicholson, and Denzel. These guys set the standard, with movies such as The Godfather, Goodfellas, A Dog Day Afternoon, The Shining, Training Day, Philadelphia, et al. (Hell, even American Express commercials are enjoyable with these guys.) These were true movies. I'm not talking about "snappy" one liners and CGI. I'm talking about great acting and truly great movies. Who comes to mind in this generation of actors?

Will Smith? Nic Cage? Keanu? Vince Vaughan?

Let's start with the easiest part. It's certainly not Keanu; he's an idiot and couldn't act his way out of a paper bag. The Matrix was good in spite of this jackass, not because of him.

Nic Cage is just garbage. He can't act at all. National Treasure? Really? That really sucked. I mean orca bad. Con Air? Anyone buying Nic as anything but the female in the prison? Certainly not a bad ass. Certainly not.

Will Smith? He's certainly done some big movies. Independence Day was good, even if it didn't age well. But Hitch? That movie where everybody is dead and he hits golf balls? (Disclaimer: I didn't see this movie, but I did see Castaway, and that was so boring I was hoping Wilson would be rescued and not Hanks, but anyway...) Survey says? No to the Fresh Prince.

Could it be Vince Vaughan? He was money in Swingers. Too bad he has been the same character is every movie he's done since then. I mean, it's not like he's been type cast like Djimon Hounsou, but I get it already. Vince Vaughan is sarcastic. He looks sleepy. He's tall. We all get it; give it a rest.

Act as another character. Not how you are in real life. Something other than your real persona. I think that's called acting. You might like it. (Note: this could easily be directed at Will Farrell, but his movies stopped being funny three sports ago. Ever notice all his movies are the same, only with a different sport? Go ahead, think about it. Ice skating, basketball, baseball, racing. See? All the same.)

I'm not saying Vince needs to be Col. Jessup or Michael Corleone, but come on meow. If you needed a lead character for a movie, which actor of this generation are you picking? Are you going to pack the young make up on Hanks' face as in The DaVinci Code? Are you going to pick Russell Crowe? He's just going to get drunk and headbutt a kangaroo. Matt Damon? A case could be made for Damon, but anyone who knowingly chooses Ben Affleck as a friend is suspect in my book. Marky Mark? The man used to drop his pants at concerts. He was also once a white rapper, in case you forgot. Brad Pitt? Isn't he a little "political"? The only difference between him and Tim Robbins is Pitt's mother isn't Susan Sarandon.

You think about who you're picking. I'm going to watch Godfather II.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Update on Lidge: World Series Game 1

First of all, I'm pulling for the Rays. I not only hate Philly but I like the Rays. I have 3 Rays on my keeper team (BJ, Evan, and David "the Franchise" Price) and their modern-day, rags-to-riches, Cinderella story is an inspiration to us all. They're scary good. But anyway, on to the save from Game 1...

2 strike outs and a weak foul out to third through the heart of the Rays line up. Pena, whiff. Evan, whiff. Crawford, foul out.

I hate Lidge, officially. Lidge has a 99 mile an hour fastball, an 87 mile an hour slider, and 91moles visible on TV. Gross.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

There's no need to be rude, lady

Ok, I understand the people who provide the security and man the metal detectors in the Criminal Justice Center aren't the smartest people in the world, but they do provide a service. While that service may seem like unnecessary hassle to most of us, they do keep guns and weapons out of the courtroom. However, the attitude they display on a daily basis is highly irritating and just rude.

You can't reach to get your phone and keys from the little bucket until it's completely off the belt. You can't keep it from crashing into the other buckets. Trying to hurry things up is like explaining Quantum Physics or Differential Equations to these people. (no, not "these people"). Even if the person in front of you whose bucket went through but had to walk through the metal detector again because he forgot he had keys in his pocket (this is a different matter, and I'll try to keep on track, but forgetting keys!!! come on, professor, it's not hard to remember keys) is not there to collect his pocket full of nickles, 3 lighters and a pack of Menthol Lights. So, if you are brazen enough to reach for your personal belongings before the 63 year old, 5'3 woman has a chance to provide security, she will snatch the bucket away from you and loudly scold, "You ain't supposed to take it from here." To which you will reply, "Oh, sorry, I was just trying to get my stuff." Then the "highly trained security" personnel will take the bucket and push it as far down the counter as possible. To which you can only laugh and reply, "I hope that made you feel better." All the while wishing it was socially acceptable to scream, "Enjoy the $5.50 you'll make this hour, a$$hole." Stupidity isn't a crime (yet), but it should be.

Friday, October 17, 2008

When Pearl Bar jumped the shark

For those of you who ever went there between 2000 and 2001, Ms. Mae's (or The Club, as it was also called) was the one of the best places in New Orleans. And while there were plenty of places to go grab a drink or four, Ms. Mae's during that era was epic (Laura). Maybe the bartenders did not know your name, but they sure were friendly. Well, that's not exactly true, as they were in fact quite rude. The clientele was truly special. The guy with nine teeth playing pool or the drunks playing foosball always seemed to have a good time. You could catch a game there during the summer time. Well, they only had one TV. But the best part was, drinks were a dollar. That's right. One dollar. And you had some space to relax and chill out. It really was a New Orleans institution.

But then, 2002 happened. That is when every frat guy at Tulane figured out they could get some moron freshman trashed and in the sack and still get change from the $10 bill they had tucked into their Armani Exchange jeans or in the popped collar on their pink LaCoste shirt. You could no longer chill out without some jerk with a Long Island accent screaming about something stupid. The Club sucked. You could never go there again. The Club jumped the shark.

And now, on to Pearl Bar. Pearl Bar re-emerged onto the newly energized Washington Avenue scene. It was a fun place to go. Shuffle board. Ping Pong. Big patio. Cool people. But then recently, there was a 1L happy hour bar. They advertised the bar as The Pearl. That's not the name, jackass. But when those kind of people start going to "The Pearl" you know its heading down the wrong rabbit trail. When every (ok, obviously not EVERY guy, but enough to annoy the rest of us) guy who goes there drives a Range Rover and wears a striped shirt with black pants, it's not a good sign. Then, when its packed at 8pm on a Thursday, it's not looking good at all. Think Janet Reno in a two piece bad. You can't even sit down there anymore. It's all yuppies.

But the last straw came last night. Last night, the straw came that broke the proverbial camel's back. 90% of the people there were guys with slicked back hair, drinking Michelob Ultras and Bud Selects, talking about the Red Sox and fondling their BlackBerry. Pearl Bar jumped the shark. That's a wrap folks. Pearl Bar is dead to me.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

It's because you're stupid, Verbal

Ok, maybe not Verbal Kint, but Adam (Don't call me PacMan) Jones, formerly, perhaps, of the Cowboys and the National Football League. In what can only be described as one of the all time bonehead moves, Jones, in a drunken stupor, assaulted an off-duty Dallas police officer (allegedly?) assigned to him by the Cowboys to keep the troubled (read: stupid) cornerback (read: idiot) and punt returner (read: moron) out of trouble (read: being himself). Apparently, Pacman had a team of 4 bodyguards, but only decided to rabbit punch one of them (allegedly).

Wait, let's get this straight. Pac was out drinking. Certainly not illegal. Except...he is on probation from the little incident in Vegas, where three people were shot, and he's on at best thin ice with the Law and Order Commissioner of the National Football League Roger Goodell, who had previously suspended Jones for 17 months. And also, he was on double secret probation (which was not secret, either). Pacman had to stay out of trouble.

Anyway, back to the story. Pac's out drinking, then he gets told to go home by the body guard/police officer. Pac disagrees, and voices his disagreement by hitting his body guard/police officer. Kevin Costern and Whitney Houston this is certainly not, but I digress.

Ole Pac is lucky enough to get, in what we can generously call a 7th chance, and blows it. Allegedly. After all, he only got in trouble at a nightclub, a strip club, a hotel, pulled over with weed in his car, a gas station shooting, another night club, a spitting incident at a night club, a triple shooting at a Vegas strip club, and this recent hotel incident.

How many times can one idiot get the same chances? Does the National Football League need this kind of guy (read: garbage)??? Look, I'm not even a Cowboys fan. You could even say my second favorite team is whoever is playing Dallas that week. But come on. Give it a rest. Pac is just lucky to be out of jail.

I have the feeling he's going to pull a Verbal Kint, and disappear. Only he won't get into a Jaguar and cruise off into the sunset. He'll end up in an 8 by 8 with three squares daily. Or dead.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Top ten people you see in law school

Channeling my best inner Shatner (which, admittedly, might not be so great)

The names have been changed to protect the innocent, or in some cases, the obnoxious. But the stories this list reveals are all too real, sometimes chilling...

1. The wanna be gunner. This person, usually female, sits in the front of the class room and usually asks one to two questions per class, almost always at the end of class, and the answer is usually the footnote at the end of the chapter. We get it, lady, you read the book. We know, the professor knows, everybody knows. Give it a rest.

2. The chatty charlie. This guy usually sits in the back or in the corner and chats throughout class. No, this is not me. I may or may not sometimes make comments, usually off-color, but I whisper. Charlies speak in nearly a full "outside voice."

3. The frat-tastic guy. This guy still refuses to admit he's no longer in undergrad. Usually dressed in his finest graphic t-shirt, which apparently only comes in a medium, Frat-tastic guy only has jeans with holes in them.

4. The RIDICULOUS question guy. Unlike #1, this is invariably a guy. His hypotheticals usually focus on trapdoors, potential murders, dragons, hob-goblins, spring-loaded guns, and whether the duty to warn applies.

5. The no freakin way am I going to admit I'm not prepared for class, ever, no matter the cost, guy. This lovable character usually wastes everybody's time by stuttering, stammering and "bullsh*tting" his way through a question or recitation. I use quotation marks because it is often painfully obvious that the person in question is utterly under prepared and could not repeat the last statement made in class if his life depended on it.

6. The maybe used to be but now is not even close to svelte hooker. This is the lovely young lady who wants to make sure everybody knows what her upper, upper thighs look like, especially when "covered" by a skirt that clings to her pasty legs, held only by the collective hopes of everybody in the room.

7. The creepy turns around when people are reciting behind him, only not for a quick glance but for the ENTIRE recitation guy. I don't think anything more needs to be said here, let's just move on.

8. The way too many bottles and cans and cups on the table guy. Seriously, do you need 4 beverages or more to get through one class period? I'm all for proper hydration people, but do you need a Red Bull, 2 waters, a Diet Dr. Pepper and some apple juice?

9. The constant texter. Hello people, this caused a train accident. Very recently. More than 30 people died. You may received a text about it. Telling your buddies how many Michelob Ultras you drank last night can wait, chief.

10. The work-out shirt guy. Ok, we are all on notice that you go to the gym. Although when you're still wearing the same sleeveless Florida Gators shirt in November, the image you portray isn't exactly what you think it is.

Honorable mentions include Same freakin' hoodie every day, from August to May girl (when do you wash that hoodie, lady? It's becoming ridiculous!); The I'm so tired person (yeah, we're all tired ace, its law school, not grade school); and finally, The always talking on the cell phone in the library during exams guy (shut it down, fella, we couldn't care less).

Friday, October 10, 2008

A few words on friendship

What is the real meaning of a "friend"?

Is a friend somebody who would stay up all night during a hurricane and play a best of 21 pool series?

Is a friend somebody, although they are more than 4800 miles away, who will send you cigars?

Is a friend somebody who, despite denying it for years, ALWAYS drink your milk?

Is a friend somebody who always has space on the couch for you to crash?

Is a friend somebody who will pick you up when you're walking down Broadway in the middle of the night?

Is a friend somebody who will drive the lane, 1 on 5?

Is a friend somebody who will not laugh when you come up with ridiculous rap names?

Is a friend somebody who will agree to a bbq or crawfish boil at the drop of a hat?

Is a friend somebody who will look the other way while the British animal cookies disappear?

The answer is yes. Happy Birthday, Paul.

Brad Lidge: Happiness, Jealousy or Spite?

What to make of Brad Lidge? The Astros one time dynamite, Lights Out (hope I don't get sued for that potential trademark infringement) and also one time walking disaster, closer has been nothing short of dominant this season. Ole Brad went 41 for 41 in save situation this regular season, and has followed that incredible mark by closing out 4 games and counting this post season for the Phillies.

Leaving aside the garbage we got back in the trade from the Phillies (Mike Bourn couldn't hit water falling out of a boat), Lidge simply had to leave Houston. The ghost from that moon ball Pujols (my arse he's 29, but whatever...he's bald) still haunted Lidge in Houston. He had to go.

But anyway, I am conflicted when seeing Lidge's success, which borders on historic dominance (almost as good as Gagne is 2003, minus the juice and the needles in the buttocks [defamation? truth is my defense]).

Should I root for him? Should i hope he blows out his elbow? Should i hope for a frozen rope up the middle? I don't know.

On one hand, he was so good for us for 4 seasons, as both a set up man and a closer. He came up in our system, was a 1997 first round pick, was one of 7 pitchers in the Yankee Stadium no hitter, we never would have made the 2005 World Series without him. That home run Pujols hit didn't keep the 'stros from the series. we made the series the next game, so that mammoth shot (bringing back memories of Trey's tequila in Vegas) was in all honesty meaningless. He was a good guy, for all we know. He faced the media like a stand up guy. didn't beat his wife in the parking lot (you knew if i ever had a blog, I'd be taking shots at Lugo, you had to see that one coming)

Maaaaaaaaaaan, he killed that World Series. Scott freaking Podsednik? He hit a game winning homer? Really? Good night, that was terrible. Awful. Then the next year, 2006, he was hit or miss. Yanked from the closer role, back to being the closer, then back to the 7th inning. You could tell he wasn't the same. You could see he wasn't the same Lidge. Yeah, they played the same music when he came in, but you knew he wasn't Lights Out. (channeling my inner Hubie Brown and his personal war with the 2nd person).

Then he goes to Philly and has this kind of season? Part of me wants to cheer for him, part of me wants to see him fall on his face. He didn't have immediate success (happy, Bagel?), he had to fight through injury, and then he was good. and then so bad.

Bottom line
I think I have to cheer for him. the pros outweigh the cons, barely. I'm pulling for the guy. But if he fails, i just might smile.

youtube broadcast yourself moment of the day

In honor of election season, let's have a vote. (leave Barrack Obama alone)

Which video rendition of the National Anthem do you enjoy more? I'm not asking which one is better, more significant, more artistic, or funnier. The answer to each of those questions is clear. (Whitney, push, Whitney, Carl)

Let's set the scene for #1. January 1991, the first Gulf War had just started. Patriotism was at a near all-time high. Whitney Houston delivered the performance of her lifetime (note: sadly, the "high" notes she hit were a direct result of cocaine ingestion). Anyway, on to the video. (note: you have to cut and paste the url, please)

Here is #2, the all time great US sprinter, Carl Lewis. Carl was an incredible track star, winning an incredible 9 gold medals. Carl's dominance ended while he was wearing spandex and short shorts (that is not an indictment of his "personal life" [not there is anything wrong with that]). And on to the video.

So folks, which rendition do you enjoy more. This is entirely subjective, and there is no wrong answer (something like a Torts 2 exam). I myself prefer Whitney's version, but, hey, that's just me.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

I don't mean to be sexist, but...

Now let me preface this with saying I think women are entirely equal to men. Obviously, there are some physical differences (not that, pervert). Men are, on average, bigger and stronger than women. There are some things men can do better than women. There are, on the other hand, some things women do better than men. But, let me make my point before this tangent leads me down the wrong path...

Women CANNOT do the "what's up" head nod. At all. The nod does not work for women. It looks silly, just silly when they do the nod. Guys, and there is a difference between men and guys, but that's best left for another day, can naturally do the head nod. There is an entire language guys use. There is the "what's up" head nod. That is the one where the head goes up slightly. There is also the "good job/congratulation" head nod, which is a slight downturn of the head, no smile. There is the "Seeya later" head nod, which looks much like the "good job/congratulations" nod, only with a smile.

Guys have mastered this subtle form of communication. There was that dark era in the 80's with the point and click (think Miami Vice, or your weird uncle Stu) motion, but, after time, we have recovered from that era. Some times, the head nod is utterly appropriate because you want to greet someone, or say good bye, but are talking to somebody else. Rather than be rude to either person, you can continue your conversation and say whats up or seeya later with a slight move of the head. It's really more efficient.

Also, its 1:19 and OU sucks.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

first take: introduction

Well, sir, or madam, if the case may be, here we go. I figured it was time I got onto the ole blogosphere. thanks to tipper's husband, that bearded fellow, we can use this here Internet, or as some like to call it, a series of tubes, for communication, entertainment, and most importantly, a little levity and fun. let's face it, without some humor every once and again, life would be mundane.

Now, I'm not promising to tell you something you ha vent heard before. I'm not promising what I'm saying will be earth shattering, or, hell, even all that relevant (403 balancing test?). but what I'm setting out to do is to joke around a little, have some fun, and share some laughs.

first public service announcement of the week....(leave Juno alone!)

organic milk is FANTASTIC. Luke-George told me about Horizon organic milk. he told me it stays good for close to a month, and you don't end up throwing most of the half gallon away because it smells like expensive cheese. not only does this milk last, and for roughly the same price, but it actually tastes better than the regular milk those average Joe half gallons have been drinking since they were in short pants (that "joke" was for Trey). anyway, its pretty good. i always thought that the organic food craze was some sort of fad, much like some people thought the Internet was, but this milk is damned good. it doesn't go bad, and it tastes great. the litmus test will be for a Caucasian (Gary), but only time will tell.

finally, i will be stealing most of my "jokes" from other places, so if you recognize it or "get" it, awesome. but there is no need to tell me that you heard that somewhere else. of course you did, I'm not that creative. let's be honest.

so, leave some comments, make some friends, and have fun. thank you, and good night.