Sunday, November 30, 2008

Greatest "Inventions" of the past ten years

In honor of Thanksgiving and the holiday season, I think we should all give thanks for the things we have. In that vein, my cousin Jay and I were discussing where our lives would be without some of the things we know take for granted. Our conversation centered around cell phones. It's remarkable to think everybody did not have a cell phone even ten years ago. You had to be a doctor or a drug dealer to have a cell phone in the 80's. But now, everybody has cell phones. I've seen little kids, and I'm talking 8 with iPhones (which, incidentally, are incredible). There are some things that make our lives better, more convenient, and just more fun.

Now, I say "invention" because I include improvements of existing products, but here are the basic rules. The product, brand name, idea, etc. must be relatively new or a relatively new improvement of an existing product, brand name, idea, etc. It doesn't have to make the world better, overall, but just make your world better. Obviously, a solar powered car that uses no fossil fuels yet has room for 6 and a DVD player for "Finding Nemo" would top the list, but since that either costs a ton of money or (more likely) does not exist, it didn't quite make the cut. Here is my list, and, as always, feel free to offer your own suggestions.

1. Text messages. I'd say they are an improvement over phone calls for a number of reasons. First of all, they are easier to manage. Calling somebody is a big deal now. I only call if I have to. If it can be expressed in a few words, you don't need to call. Major pet peeve and drawback, however, is the unnecessary response text message (Abbie). Saying "thank you" or "ok", or worse, "k" is almost never (I said almost, so relax) needed. I don't care if I do have unlimited text, I don't need to check the message to see that you said "ok." Sorry, I lost control for a second.

2. HDTV. I can actually see the gray hairs in Brett Favre's beard glisten with sweat after he flings another ball deep into double coverage, resulting in a game-ending interception. Wait a second, ESPN is on the line. They are calling on behalf of the rest of the media saying I can't criticize Brett Favre, because he is perfect. So, scratch that previous example. HDTV (which, by the way, is the first thing I'm buying after passing the bar) has such good picture, I can actually see Tracy McGrady's reluctance to drive the lane against good teams with the game on the line on his face before his body language turns WNBA (believe, it was hard to keep this part PG) and he hoists up a turn-around, fade-away 30 footer against a defender who "he" outweighs by 20 pounds and is taller than by 6 inches. But, back to my point (I'm saving my t-mac rant for when he actually plays more than 20 minutes a game, or at all, and then chokes like the dog we all know he is).

3. Youtube. If I want to see idiots make fools of themselves, I can just look to the Internet. If I want to see Afro-ninja, well, by golly, I can see that back-flipping, nun chuck-waving SOB anytime I want to. If there is ever anyone who does something stupid on video, it's on youtube. And that's great. Closely related to #3 are digital cameras and cell phone cameras. Where would we be without them?

4. Deep fried turkey. Yeah, I'm sure they were invented or eaten more than ten years ago, but I didn't eat one till about 5 or 6 years ago, so I'm including it on the list. Get over it. This is the only way to do Thanksgiving. There are few things better than deep fried turkey, pumpkin pie, football, the couch, and sweat pants. That's just about heaven, if you ask me.

5. The Showtime grill. You know, set it and forget it. I don't actually have one of these bad boys, but the only time I saw it used, it was great. Here's how it happened. I went over to my buddy's house (I won't say who, but you might be able to guess) to hang out. It was a lazy Saturday on a holiday weekend in the summer time. Well, this friend got a stuffed chicken for us to eat. He tied that sucker around the spit of the grill and, as they say, set it and forgot it. Well, only thing is, the string couldn't hold the chicken onto the grill. Keep in mind, this same friend has earlier used the grill to cook up a brisket, which he removed with his barehands, only to discover it was hot and nearly dropped onto the floor, but I digress. So we are already assuming the worst and cracking up when the chicken falls off of the spit and onto the floor of the grill, causing a small to medium grease fire. Well, this friend of mine, he is nothing if not determined. So he put that chicken back onto the spit and tried again. Once again, it fell off. Stuffing was all over the bottom of the grill. Grease was all over the kitchen, the door of the grill, his hands, I mean everywhere. Well, I'm literally rolling on the floor laughing while he takes the chicken out a few minutes later, burnt to a crips on one side and raw as can be on the other. What happened to the chicken, you might ask? Well, this friend ate as much of that chicken as he could. He did not develop salmonellla and actually enjoyed the part of the chicken he ate. All and all, I'd have to say a product that provides such entertainment is nothing if not a modern marvel.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Law School: Or How I Became an Argumentative Anatomical Object that Rhymes with Bass Bowl

Now, I'm assuming some of you will quibble with the word "became" in the title, and that would land you in one of two camps: People who have known me a long time, or lawyers. This is mostly directed at camp #2, but I digress. Camp #2, you're just making my argument for me by arguing with "became."

By way of background, and this may seem to be totally unrelated (Will McMillan or Leighton, that's 8, if you're counting at home) but I'll tie it all together if you give me a moment, but anyway, my dad retired. One of the things he has started doing is cooking. He's actually gotten very good at making a lot of things, and one of the absolute best things is homemade grilled pizza. He makes the dough, grills it outside, then the lucky diners (read: Luke, mom, and me) assemble their pizza with whichever toppings they choose, then the pizza goes back on the grill for a few minutes until they are good and hot. Man, these things are good, but this post is about law school and me, not pizza; again, I digress.

So, this morning, I'm talking to my mom. Just normal chit chat until the conversation turns to Thanksgiving. So, this year, it's going to be a lighter turnout as compared to year's past, but it will still be good. My mom is in charge this year, and she was planning what other meals we would be having during the holiday. One of those meals is going to be grilled pizza. It's all coming up Milhouse, if you ask me.

So, in order to make things easier, my mom was going to make the dough ahead of time. She asks me if I knew where the whole wheat flour was for the dough. Me, being close to 20 miles away, under the covers in my apartment, respond with the usual, "I don't know." My mom says that dad, who is now in charge of the kitchen (and doing a fantastic job, for the most part [sometimes, things don't get put back where they came from {pay attention here, kidz, this is the point of my story}]) hid the flour. My response is, "I don't think he hid the flour. The requisite intent was not there. Dad may have misplaced it, or put it down somewhere else, but it's not hidden." My mom says if you can't find it, it's hidden.

So, I'm thinking a few things at this point. One, make a point about mens rea (mental state, in terms of culpability for those who don't know) by saying dad shouldn't be blamed for an intentional act when we all know he didn't put the flour back in the wrong place on purpose. He could have put it back in the wrong place but no way was it on purpose. Two, blame the housekeeper. The ole empty chair defendant trick. Three, "Man, that defense attorney instinct sure did kick in there, even against my own mother. Good lord. You don't know where the flour is, just say that and shut up. What's wrong with you? This is why people hate attorneys. (Random lawyer joke: What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving off of a cliff? A good start!!) You're arguing about something you have no idea about. You're in your apartment. You haven't seen the pantry at home in weeks. Just shut up, rhymes with bass bowl (that would be my Indian name [not that Indian, the other one]). Law school really did make me (perhaps "more of" should be in the sentence, but relax) an argumentative jerk.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Yet another late comer to the Hates the "Zero" Campaign Bandwagon

This time, thanks to reader and blog enthusiast Jordy...,8599,1860403,00.html

Highlight of the Time article is as follows, "In other words, it's like water torture, and people just want it to stop."

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

attention: pathetic guy

OK, I understand the semester is almost over. I also realize a number of people are at the end of the law school career (Hello GW). People are busy studying, papers are due, not a lot of people are sleeping all that much. But there is no excuse to fall asleep in class, even if Civil Pretrial Litigation isn't the most exciting class there is.

This dude tonight nearly fell out of his seat in class. His neighbor woke him up, Sleepy waved the good Samaritan off and went back to sleep. I mean, he was leaning way over in his seat. He then put his head down and snoozed for the next hour. Everyone was looking around the room, snickering and laughing until things took a turn for the worse.

Apparently, he wet his pants. Not a little. A lot. His pants were visibly wet and there was a puddle on his seat. Never ever, under any circumstances, sit in the back row of room 418 in the second seat from the right. Ever. I suppose it would be in poor taste to post a photo of this guy, or mention him by name, but those photos exist and are out there.

Even though the class applauded for the professor, this guy did not wake up. Even though the class of close to 100 packed their belongings and left, this guy did not wake up. Apparently, according to somebody who left class after me, another classmate pointed out that this dude's pants were wet, prompting this genius to scream and run out of the room, urine dripping down his pants and onto the carpet.

Another shining example of the quality of the South Texas College of Law community.

UPDATE: The person whose name will not be mentioned by me only came to class because he couldn't miss another one, per ABA rules. But, in an ironic turn of events, since he was passed out, the role was passed right over his head and he did NOT sign the role. This is why booze and class don't mix.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Another update on "Zero"

From's Peter King...

"Someone please -- I IMPLORE YOU -- put that "Saved by zero'' Toyota commercial out of its misery."

Another copy cat. Pathetic.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

more birthday wishes

Two of my best friends are turning 27 this week. I suppose its appropriate that this was the week I spoke about getting old but not growing up.

You know, the thing about best friends is, you don't have to speak every day, or hang out every weekend, to be best friends. You don't even need to live in the same state. Hell, when you do see each other or talk to each other, it's like nothing changed. You still remember the same inside jokes. You can start the same conversation or continue the same argument without skipping a beat. You've known each other that well, for that long, that you don't even need to speak to communicate. A look or a gesture means more than any statement. So what if somebody throws up in the car, or on somebody's pants, or off of the street car? Trips to the mall are as much fun as trips to Vegas when you're with your best friends. Steaks off of the grill in the yard are as good as steaks from Morton's. Ball games are as much fun on the couch as they are in person. Card games are as much fun as a trip to the casino.

You remember each other's old phone numbers. Not to mention each other's favorite drinks, foods, movies, and jokes. The best memories you have include each other. You can act like you really want to in front of each other. Nicknames make sense with each other, no matter how ridiculous. You love the same people, and you hate the same people. You know what each other are going to order before they do at a Mexican restaurant (las granjas [or recently quesadillas] and Caesar salad...come on guys, you KNOW i know that).

Happy birthday Ajay. Happy birthday Laura. (in chronological order. [read nothing more into that. and we all know who's going to have beef with that]).

Top 10 reasons you're still not an adult, no matter how old you feel

Disclaimer: yes, in the eyes of the law, anyone over 18 is an "adult" but I'm not talking about legality, I'm referring instead to maturity, a key quality many of us display in key stretches and situations in what can only be described as Oscar-quality acting.

1. If you still laugh at (let's just call them) "bathroom" jokes.

2. If shorts are still acceptable in most social situations.

3. If you still wear jerseys to watch sporting events (nobody is more guilty of this than me).

4. If one of your favorite movies is still Tommy Boy.

5. If "chili" and "hot dog" is part of your food vocabulary.

6. If you're paying rent and not a mortgage.

7. When a PlayStation or other video game system is still on your entertainment agenda.

8. If you have and use Facebook.

9. If people with accents still make you laugh.

10. If splashing through puddles in your car makes you laugh.

Top 10 signs you're getting old

1. When the music really is too loud. Look, we've all been there. You just want to talk to your friends, you don't want to dance, you just want to talk about the good ole days, but you can't since you can't hear, since the music is too loud.

2. When you can't even identify the genre of music being played, let alone the name of the band.

3. When you come home at 7am and you say to yourself, damn, I'm getting too old for this s&@t,Vegas be damned.

4. When you really do want to keep those whippersnappers off the lawn.

5. When conversations with your friends (those you can hear, at least) center on IRAs, school districts, and interest rates.

6. When guys being drafted into the NFL were in high school when you graduated from undergrad (not to mention just calling college "undergrad")

7. When hot wings or enchiladas at 11 means Rolaids at 1.

8. When you can remember drinking water out of a glass and not out of a bottle.

9. When you start spotting grays in your goatee (OK, that's just me) or on top of your head.

10. When you really do look forward to (and need, to be honest) that wake up cup of coffee.

Honorable mention goes to: When, after playing basketball or football, you either ice your knee or think to yourself "these old bones"; when you're actually offended by jokes that aren't at your expense; when your idea of a great Saturday afternoon includes a nap; whenever nearly everyone of your stories begins with, "remember when..."; and, finally, when you remember Lou Holtz as the cheating coach at Notre Dame and not the moron with the speech impediment and the coke bottle glasses who spits all over the set on ESPN.

Friday, November 7, 2008

I beat's Bill Simmons

From today's Sportguy article. Note, I said this first. Sunday. Not today. I was first. In your face. Thank you. (Jennifer, I'm going to credit this to and put quotation marks so I don't get sued. Right move?)

    "Saaaaaaved byyyyyy zerrrrrr-ohhhhhhhhhh.

    "Now, for a limited time only, you can get amazing zero APR financing on your favorite Toyota."

    Saaaaaaved byyyyyy zerrrrrr-ohhhhhhhhhh.

    "That's 0 percent financing on 11 different models! Featuring Toyota's legendary quality. No other car brand can make this offer. So hurry in now, and see how much zero can save you on a brand new Toyota."

    Saved by zero! Saved by zero!

(By the way, I did that off the top of my head. We are reaching the point where I am two weeks away from stopping by my local Toyota dealership, buying a brand-new Toyota Tundra with zero APR financing, driving the car off the lot, doing a U-turn, then plowing it through the front window of the dealership at 60 mph while screaming, "SAVED BY ZERO," like the guys from "Red Dawn" screamed, "WOLVERINES!" Cut down on the ads, Toyota. We're not kidding. You know why you haven't see John Mellencamp in two years? He's trapped in the basement of some frustrated baseball fan who dressed him like the Gimp and keeps him in a trunk after hearing "Our Country" for the 700,000th time. Look, we're all ecstatic that the guys from the Fixx are getting royalties again. Just tone it down. We get it. Zero APR financing. Heard you loud and clear.)"

Winner? Not Sportsguy...This guy.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

update on Saved by Zero

Looks like I'm not the only one who hates "Saved by ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRROOOOOO"

Facebook groups, other bloggers, even the AP hate this ad.

Thanks for the update, Luke.


It was brought to my attention that some inappropriate and obscene images were placed on my blog. I apologize to anyone who was offended or was looking at this blog at work or school.

Please know it was not me who put these images there. Why anyone would hack my blog is beyond me, but please know it was not me who did this.

I have tried to keep this blog PG-13 (at worst) and have heavily limited my profanity and kept all posts out of the gutter, so to speak. I do this so you can feel comfortable reading along at work or school or in mixed company. That was one of my goals from day 1, and will remain so.

If anyone sees anything else that is offensive, please let me know so I can remove it. Thank you.

A new theory has come to light, thanks to Laura. I posted pictures by copying and pasting URLs from the Internet. That URL is no longer the UPS guy but something less kosher, shall we say. That new image was saved in the old location, leading to trouble. Again, my apologies.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

a few thoughts on the elections

Ok, this is not going to be a regular part of the blog, but I felt the need (and was cajoled by somebody who I sometimes disagree with but, at the same time, whose opinion I respect) to say a little something about the recent political changes. I'll start with the Obama-mania and then turn to a few of the important local elections.

First Disclaimer: For those of you who know my political feelings, you know that I am an economic conservative and I have some liberal social leanings. I'm not going to be confused with Nancy Pelosi; at the same time, I won't be confused with George W. either. I am in favor of women being able to choose whether or not to have an abortion and I think we should recycle and conserve our natural resources. At the same time, I think the "idea" about global warming is overblown by the media and I think the government should stop legislating morality and keep its ever-growing nose out of the economy. Second Disclaimer: If you disagree, that's cool. If you agree, also cool. This is just one man's somewhat informed opinion. In any event, on to the races.

I think Obama HAD to become President. Change is a good thing. The country had swung too far to the right and was too heavily influenced by the religious right. I think the country began this swing in 1994 when the Dems were swept out and the GOP had free run over both the House and Senate. Things intensified when W became President. 9-11, a truly tragic and life-altering moment, only pushed things further right. And I agreed with the decision to put the fight to terrorists and go after Osama bin Laden. Iraq, not so much. Especially since no Iraqi's (to our knowledge) were involved in 9-11. Egyptians, Saudis, Pakistanis and Afghans were responsible. But, this is a post about elections, not 9-11 and the war, so I'll re-focus.

W won again in 2004, more by default than by true victory over the largely impotent and inconsequential John Kerry. How a man so worthless could become Senator truly boggles the mind. Although asking how a man so worthless became President is not only a fair question, but perhaps a better one. In any event, I digress, once again.

The country HAD to go back to the left. Much like the economy, politics is cyclical. Much like a pendulum, things will swing back to the center and then some. How far the swing to the left will be is up in the air and this is my true fear. The Wall Street and financial bail outs make me shudder. And this was pushed by the GOP. This is America, not the USSR. Hey Washington, stay the hell out of the economy. You morons are just going to mess it up. And believe me, "mess" was far and away the nicest word I thought. And it wasn't even close. Believe me, I realize all Beltway Insiders, across the aisle, are in bed with big business and whose vote is always available (just name the price). I'm not naive. But at the same time, let the economy cycle. It will be fine. Don't play God and step in. Stay out. However (channeling the incarnation of pure evil, Stephen A Smith) I think Congress should certainly concern itself with the BCS and steroids in baseball. Forget that fact that we are in two wars, our economy is not exactly humming along on all cylinders, and health care being in the toilet, let's talk about sports. You all know I love sports, but there ARE more important things for our "leaders" to address.

Anyhoo, here is my point (wow, that took a long time, even for me)...I hope this GOP disgrace will be the kick in the pants the GOP needs to get back to its roots of economic conservatism and small government. Balance the budget. Don't, and I'll repeat, don't "tax and spend." Do what you promised you would do, if you can even remember.

I hope Obama takes this country back to the middle. Historically, our country has worked best with a different party in control of Congress than in the White House. When it's the same party, bad things happen. (I'd say the Patriot Act, but I don't want to be water boarded for using my 1st Am. rights). Here's the problem, as I see it: Obama is somewhat left (how far depending on who you ask) and Congress is left. Citizens are looking for change from the previous administration and the religious right. Look at the fervor with which people were celebrating the election results. I only hope we don't become Sweden, or worse, France. I can see shades of socialism in the buy out, and I don't like it. I hope I'm wrong (wow, when have I ever said that???) and that we go back to the middle where we should be, but I just don't know. And nobody will know for at least 4 or 8 years, or possibly even longer (History shall be our guide) how Obama did. We don't need to focus on this immediate second. Take a long-term view. Look at the horizon. Then we can see what worked and what didn't and who was right and who was wrong.

On to the local scene (for those of you not living in Houston, or even Texas, feel free to read on but you probably won't care anymore [assuming you cared before])...

1. Judge Pay Lykos, at the time of writing, was up by close to 4400 votes with 99% of precincts in. Thank God. Chief Bradford was an incompetent Police Chief and would be a worse DA. Come on people, remember the police lab scandal? The perjury? The raise he gave himself right before he left office? The boost in pension he gave himself? This is the guy he want in charge? I don't think so. Now, I've heard Judge Lykos can be a bit short with people. I've also heard she's one of the sharpest judicial minds in Texas. This is the person we want in charge.

2. So many criminal judges will be different come January. Democrats have ridden Obama's coattails all across the nation, and the Harris County Criminal Justice Center is no different. Don Stricklin, Brock Thomas (not to mention his father, soon-to-be-ex-Sheriff Tommy Thomas), and Caprice Cosper will be disrobed, so to speak. But people like Off her rocker Crocker stay on. Perhaps this is why judges shouldn't be elected, but that's for another time. Don Stricklin was one of the finest judges in Harris County. A case set in his court would actually get to trial in less than one year. I just don't know what these new judges are going to do. I don't think I'm exactly entirely unbiased in this regard, but it's moronic that all these judges were swept out on the wave of Democrats who came crashing down on Harris County simply because they were Dems. I don't care which side of the aisle you're on, good criminal judges are so valuable. You don't sweep them out because you like Obama. And I think that is what happened. And I don't like it. Perhaps these new judges will be great, perhaps even better than those they replaces. I truly hope so. But, again, only time will tell.

3. Ed Emmett snuck back in as County Judge because of his swift and efficient reaction to Hurricane Ike. David Mincburg is a successful businessman and was a key member of Mayor White's administration. Heck, he even had a pretty catchy radio jingle. Judge Emmett, however, is the straw that stirs the drink in Harris County. The right man won this election.

Well, this could all be wrong when I wake up (I'm talking about things on the local scene; Obama hooped McCain [no repeat of the 2000 hanging chad and recount incident, so let's stay above the fray, folks]). But I doubt it.

Monday, November 3, 2008

You what really grinds my gears...Part 2

These doozies narrowly missed the first list, but are nearly as annoying.

1. The UPS Whiteboard commercials. In all honesty, some of the transmogrifying drawings are quite clever. Some are even fairly creative. But that long-haired doofus who "stars" in the commercials is a freak of nature. You know what's worse, I can't even figure out what it is exactly I dislike so much about this guy. I don't know what it is, but he really gets under my skin. It may be that he thinks he's so great. (Random but kind of related tangent: As I'm writing this, that freakin' saved by zero ad came on. I just realized zero is the interest rate and not the name of a new model. I actually looked at the TV when this came on and learned something new. Go figure.) I always liked the "What can brown do for you?" ad campaign, for obvious reasons.

2. Red Lobster. No offense meant to the late, great Chuckie Brown (Wait, Chuckie's not dead? Really? My mistake.) but Red Lobster is garbage. Come on folks, is it really noteworthy that it is currently Lobster Fest when it is ALWAYS Lobster fest? Why don't you just tell us when it's not Lobster Fest and save the rest of us some confusion. Secondly, saving a few bucks on seafood is not exactly my idea of a good time. I'll gladly pay an extra few dollars and get the fresh seafood that wasn't rejected by the cat food factory. Let's move on.

3. Olive Garden. Really, they send their "chefs" to Tuscany to train with great Italian master chefs on the secrets of reheating factory-prepared sauce and boiling noodles. I promise, they really do that. Because we all know how much Italians love Americans, especially those American chefs who are working for Olive Garden and pumping out all those masterpieces. Give me a break. You jackasses reheat the sauce and microwave the chicken and you know it.

4. Verizon. You don't actually have those guys following us around, checking the service and towers, Verizon. It was creative. It really was. But that was 2005. How about a new ad campaign? That jerk with the thick glasses (another "fashion" trend that bothers me, but i digress) needs to go. Enough is enough. Can you hear me now?

5. ITT Tech and all the other schools for losers. OK, losers might be a harsh word, but we're not talking about the cream of the crop here, people. If you are laying on the couch around 1pm, waiting for inspiration as to what to do with your life, are these people who barely have a pulse, let alone a career, truly going to get you off your butt and into "school?" Look, I'm as in favor of people working and contributing to society as anyone else could be. But you're not going to make your dreams come true by going to ITT Tech. You might not even make more than $10 per. So let's quit selling false hopes, ITT. For their sake.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

You what really grinds my gears...

The following commercials, in fact, grind my gears, to turn a phrase. In honor of the first offender, I'll make this list five, but, trust me, many more could have made this list. As always, your comments are welcomed and encouraged.

1. "Five. Five dollar. Five dollar foot long." This Subway commercial is mostly mindless, but that inane jingle always gets stuck in my head. Believe you me, when you're whistling "Five...Five dollar..." when you're trying to get a coke out of the fridge, you've got problems. And that problem is Subway. Which leads directly to #2.

2. Jared from Subway. Ok, we get it. Subway plus exercise helped you lose weight. So did the gastric bypass you fail to mention you had. Oh, you didn't mention that, did you? What a liar. And a jerk. Disclaimer: I don't actually know he had the surgery, but I just assume. Also, to quote Jeremy, "Way to go. You went from a fat slob to a nerdy loser." I'd call that a lateral move, folks.

3. "Saved by Zero." This car not only sucks, but the song is equally bad, if not worse. Now, I'm not saying Honda makes bad cars. A lot of people drive Hondas. They're dependable. Good mileage. Decent re-sale value. Pretty good buy. But good night, these commercials are terrible. Remember the one with the car who spoke to a turtle in one commercial and then to a lobster in another? Horrible. Shameful. Somebody needs to line up the ad department over at Honda and slap them, one by one.

4. Frank TV ads. During the MLB playoffs on TBS, seemingly every other pitch was followed by a promo for Frank Caliendo's "hit" "show" Frank TV. This short bald freak does one good impression, and that's John Madden. He has a few other decent ones, but to give this man a show (an entire freakin' show!!!) is just embarrassing for the rest of us. This guy could do a guest spot on a sketch comedy show from week to week. He's even mildly (not retarded, although I wanted to say that) entertaining. For about 3 to 4 minutes. But to give this a-hole a show is terrible.

5. The Charmim bathroom tissue bears. First of all, who calls it "bathroom tissue"? I'm not blowing my nose into this stuff. It's toilet paper. This isn't rocket science, folks. And I think it's just gross to give bears toilet paper. Imagine the mess that would make. Better yet, don't imagine that. It will haunt your thoughts and dreams for years. That's just gross.

Also, I hate Chris Berman. This had to be mentioned at some point.