Greatest "Inventions" of the past ten years

In honor of Thanksgiving and the holiday season, I think we should all give thanks for the things we have. In that vein, my cousin Jay and I were discussing where our lives would be without some of the things we know take for granted. Our conversation centered around cell phones. It's remarkable to think everybody did not have a cell phone even ten years ago. You had to be a doctor or a drug dealer to have a cell phone in the 80's. But now, everybody has cell phones. I've seen little kids, and I'm talking 8 with iPhones (which, incidentally, are incredible). There are some things that make our lives better, more convenient, and just more fun.

Now, I say "invention" because I include improvements of existing products, but here are the basic rules. The product, brand name, idea, etc. must be relatively new or a relatively new improvement of an existing product, brand name, idea, etc. It doesn't have to make the world better, overall, but just make your world better. Obviously, a solar powered car that uses no fossil fuels yet has room for 6 and a DVD player for "Finding Nemo" would top the list, but since that either costs a ton of money or (more likely) does not exist, it didn't quite make the cut. Here is my list, and, as always, feel free to offer your own suggestions.

1. Text messages. I'd say they are an improvement over phone calls for a number of reasons. First of all, they are easier to manage. Calling somebody is a big deal now. I only call if I have to. If it can be expressed in a few words, you don't need to call. Major pet peeve and drawback, however, is the unnecessary response text message (Abbie). Saying "thank you" or "ok", or worse, "k" is almost never (I said almost, so relax) needed. I don't care if I do have unlimited text, I don't need to check the message to see that you said "ok." Sorry, I lost control for a second.

2. HDTV. I can actually see the gray hairs in Brett Favre's beard glisten with sweat after he flings another ball deep into double coverage, resulting in a game-ending interception. Wait a second, ESPN is on the line. They are calling on behalf of the rest of the media saying I can't criticize Brett Favre, because he is perfect. So, scratch that previous example. HDTV (which, by the way, is the first thing I'm buying after passing the bar) has such good picture, I can actually see Tracy McGrady's reluctance to drive the lane against good teams with the game on the line on his face before his body language turns WNBA (believe, it was hard to keep this part PG) and he hoists up a turn-around, fade-away 30 footer against a defender who "he" outweighs by 20 pounds and is taller than by 6 inches. But, back to my point (I'm saving my t-mac rant for when he actually plays more than 20 minutes a game, or at all, and then chokes like the dog we all know he is).

3. Youtube. If I want to see idiots make fools of themselves, I can just look to the Internet. If I want to see Afro-ninja, well, by golly, I can see that back-flipping, nun chuck-waving SOB anytime I want to. If there is ever anyone who does something stupid on video, it's on youtube. And that's great. Closely related to #3 are digital cameras and cell phone cameras. Where would we be without them?

4. Deep fried turkey. Yeah, I'm sure they were invented or eaten more than ten years ago, but I didn't eat one till about 5 or 6 years ago, so I'm including it on the list. Get over it. This is the only way to do Thanksgiving. There are few things better than deep fried turkey, pumpkin pie, football, the couch, and sweat pants. That's just about heaven, if you ask me.

5. The Showtime grill. You know, set it and forget it. I don't actually have one of these bad boys, but the only time I saw it used, it was great. Here's how it happened. I went over to my buddy's house (I won't say who, but you might be able to guess) to hang out. It was a lazy Saturday on a holiday weekend in the summer time. Well, this friend got a stuffed chicken for us to eat. He tied that sucker around the spit of the grill and, as they say, set it and forgot it. Well, only thing is, the string couldn't hold the chicken onto the grill. Keep in mind, this same friend has earlier used the grill to cook up a brisket, which he removed with his barehands, only to discover it was hot and nearly dropped onto the floor, but I digress. So we are already assuming the worst and cracking up when the chicken falls off of the spit and onto the floor of the grill, causing a small to medium grease fire. Well, this friend of mine, he is nothing if not determined. So he put that chicken back onto the spit and tried again. Once again, it fell off. Stuffing was all over the bottom of the grill. Grease was all over the kitchen, the door of the grill, his hands, I mean everywhere. Well, I'm literally rolling on the floor laughing while he takes the chicken out a few minutes later, burnt to a crips on one side and raw as can be on the other. What happened to the chicken, you might ask? Well, this friend ate as much of that chicken as he could. He did not develop salmonellla and actually enjoyed the part of the chicken he ate. All and all, I'd have to say a product that provides such entertainment is nothing if not a modern marvel.

Law School: Or How I Became an Argumentative Anatomical Object that Rhymes with Bass Bowl

Now, I'm assuming some of you will quibble with the word "became" in the title, and that would land you in one of two camps: People who have known me a long time, or lawyers. This is mostly directed at camp #2, but I digress. Camp #2, you're just making my argument for me by arguing with "became."

By way of background, and this may seem to be totally unrelated (Will McMillan or Leighton, that's 8, if you're counting at home) but I'll tie it all together if you give me a moment, but anyway, my dad retired. One of the things he has started doing is cooking. He's actually gotten very good at making a lot of things, and one of the absolute best things is homemade grilled pizza. He makes the dough, grills it outside, then the lucky diners (read: Luke, mom, and me) assemble their pizza with whichever toppings they choose, then the pizza goes back on the grill for a few minutes until they are good and hot. Man, these things are good, but this post is about law school and me, not pizza; again, I digress.

So, this morning, I'm talking to my mom. Just normal chit chat until the conversation turns to Thanksgiving. So, this year, it's going to be a lighter turnout as compared to year's past, but it will still be good. My mom is in charge this year, and she was planning what other meals we would be having during the holiday. One of those meals is going to be grilled pizza. It's all coming up Milhouse, if you ask me.

So, in order to make things easier, my mom was going to make the dough ahead of time. She asks me if I knew where the whole wheat flour was for the dough. Me, being close to 20 miles away, under the covers in my apartment, respond with the usual, "I don't know." My mom says that dad, who is now in charge of the kitchen (and doing a fantastic job, for the most part [sometimes, things don't get put back where they came from {pay attention here, kidz, this is the point of my story}]) hid the flour. My response is, "I don't think he hid the flour. The requisite intent was not there. Dad may have misplaced it, or put it down somewhere else, but it's not hidden." My mom says if you can't find it, it's hidden.

So, I'm thinking a few things at this point. One, make a point about mens rea (mental state, in terms of culpability for those who don't know) by saying dad shouldn't be blamed for an intentional act when we all know he didn't put the flour back in the wrong place on purpose. He could have put it back in the wrong place but no way was it on purpose. Two, blame the housekeeper. The ole empty chair defendant trick. Three, "Man, that defense attorney instinct sure did kick in there, even against my own mother. Good lord. You don't know where the flour is, just say that and shut up. What's wrong with you? This is why people hate attorneys. (Random lawyer joke: What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving off of a cliff? A good start!!) You're arguing about something you have no idea about. You're in your apartment. You haven't seen the pantry at home in weeks. Just shut up, rhymes with bass bowl (that would be my Indian name [not that Indian, the other one]). Law school really did make me (perhaps "more of" should be in the sentence, but relax) an argumentative jerk.

Yet another late comer to the Hates the "Zero" Campaign Bandwagon

This time, thanks to reader and blog enthusiast Jordy...

http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,1860403,00.html

Highlight of the Time article is as follows, "In other words, it's like water torture, and people just want it to stop."

attention: pathetic guy

OK, I understand the semester is almost over. I also realize a number of people are at the end of the law school career (Hello GW). People are busy studying, papers are due, not a lot of people are sleeping all that much. But there is no excuse to fall asleep in class, even if Civil Pretrial Litigation isn't the most exciting class there is.

This dude tonight nearly fell out of his seat in class. His neighbor woke him up, Sleepy waved the good Samaritan off and went back to sleep. I mean, he was leaning way over in his seat. He then put his head down and snoozed for the next hour. Everyone was looking around the room, snickering and laughing until things took a turn for the worse.

Apparently, he wet his pants. Not a little. A lot. His pants were visibly wet and there was a puddle on his seat. Never ever, under any circumstances, sit in the back row of room 418 in the second seat from the right. Ever. I suppose it would be in poor taste to post a photo of this guy, or mention him by name, but those photos exist and are out there.

Even though the class applauded for the professor, this guy did not wake up. Even though the class of close to 100 packed their belongings and left, this guy did not wake up. Apparently, according to somebody who left class after me, another classmate pointed out that this dude's pants were wet, prompting this genius to scream and run out of the room, urine dripping down his pants and onto the carpet.

Another shining example of the quality of the South Texas College of Law community.

UPDATE: The person whose name will not be mentioned by me only came to class because he couldn't miss another one, per ABA rules. But, in an ironic turn of events, since he was passed out, the role was passed right over his head and he did NOT sign the role. This is why booze and class don't mix.

Another update on "Zero"

From cnnsi.com's Peter King...

"Someone please -- I IMPLORE YOU -- put that "Saved by zero'' Toyota commercial out of its misery."

Another copy cat. Pathetic.

more birthday wishes

Two of my best friends are turning 27 this week. I suppose its appropriate that this was the week I spoke about getting old but not growing up.

You know, the thing about best friends is, you don't have to speak every day, or hang out every weekend, to be best friends. You don't even need to live in the same state. Hell, when you do see each other or talk to each other, it's like nothing changed. You still remember the same inside jokes. You can start the same conversation or continue the same argument without skipping a beat. You've known each other that well, for that long, that you don't even need to speak to communicate. A look or a gesture means more than any statement. So what if somebody throws up in the car, or on somebody's pants, or off of the street car? Trips to the mall are as much fun as trips to Vegas when you're with your best friends. Steaks off of the grill in the yard are as good as steaks from Morton's. Ball games are as much fun on the couch as they are in person. Card games are as much fun as a trip to the casino.

You remember each other's old phone numbers. Not to mention each other's favorite drinks, foods, movies, and jokes. The best memories you have include each other. You can act like you really want to in front of each other. Nicknames make sense with each other, no matter how ridiculous. You love the same people, and you hate the same people. You know what each other are going to order before they do at a Mexican restaurant (las granjas [or recently quesadillas] and Caesar salad...come on guys, you KNOW i know that).

Happy birthday Ajay. Happy birthday Laura. (in chronological order. [read nothing more into that. and we all know who's going to have beef with that]).

Top 10 reasons you're still not an adult, no matter how old you feel

Disclaimer: yes, in the eyes of the law, anyone over 18 is an "adult" but I'm not talking about legality, I'm referring instead to maturity, a key quality many of us display in key stretches and situations in what can only be described as Oscar-quality acting.

1. If you still laugh at (let's just call them) "bathroom" jokes.

2. If shorts are still acceptable in most social situations.

3. If you still wear jerseys to watch sporting events (nobody is more guilty of this than me).

4. If one of your favorite movies is still Tommy Boy.

5. If "chili" and "hot dog" is part of your food vocabulary.

6. If you're paying rent and not a mortgage.

7. When a PlayStation or other video game system is still on your entertainment agenda.

8. If you have and use Facebook.

9. If people with accents still make you laugh.

10. If splashing through puddles in your car makes you laugh.