Wednesday, January 28, 2009

You know what really grinds my gears Part 4

You know what really grinds my gears? Well, for your convenience, I've made a list. I haven't checked it more than once though, but I think you still get the idea.

1. Clif Bars. Ok, so I know I've told some people to eat them because they have some good nutrition, including vitamins, protein, not a lot of fat, sugar or calories, etc. Turns out, however, that even though they are good for you, they could kill you. Yes, sir, that is true. It seems that the peanuts they use to make Clif Bars have been found to be poisonous, and those peanuts have led to at least 6 deaths and nearly 250 injuries. Look it up if you don't want to take my word for it. Go ahead, we'll wait for you. Satisfied? Believe me now? Thank you. Back to my complaints. You know what I look for in a breakfast bar? Nutrition, convenience, not too much sugar, and no threat of death. Is that too much to ask? Surely, it is not. I received a letter from Sam's Club, where I bought a moderate to enormous sized container of Clif Bars a few months ago, informing me of the recall of Clif Bars and other products that contained those contaminated peanuts. Well, if I already ate most of those Clif Bars over the period of the past few months, can I still get a full refund? I doubt it. I'm just hoping I don't die. But that really grinds my gears.

2. Journalists, and, no, that does include me, who complain about the loss of innocence and purity in sports because people use steroids or human growth hormone. Wait, wait a minute...when billions of dollars are on the line, and a few people come close to the ethical line or go well beyond it, and you're surprised, does that mean you are more ethical than everyone else who doesn't care or, are you, as I submit, either looking for a cheap column or unable to pull the wool from over your eyes? (That was a long sentence, but I think it's grammatically correct) Really, people, who are the same as human beings, cheated? When billions of dollars are on the line? No effing way. Really? Get over it, journalists. Put down your coffee and Viagra if you don't believe in performance enhancement. Sorry to dip below the fray. Sports are entertainment, pure and simple. If you can't figure that out, you're probably why newspapers are teetering on the edge of bankruptcy (read: you're a moron, chief). Don't go looking for purity in sports because you're missing something in your life. At the same time, don't go looking to bring down people because you're still mad your father didn't play catch with you. Sports are like the movies, or music, or anything else. Does anyone care that Kurt Cobain was strung out on drugs? Well, other than Courtney Love, I suppose, would be a more fair question, but still. Louis Armstrong was busted for possession of marijuana. Does that make his trumpet sound any less spectacular? Ray Charles did heroin. Get over it. It's their life. Let them do what they want. It's not hurting you. If athletes are the moral beacon in society, we're going to need a bailout for more than just GM. You're hypocrite and a buffoon.

3. People who go the wrong way in the communications hierarchy. In my opinion, here is the order from least formal to most formal (correct me if I'm wrong): instant message, text message, email, phone call. So, if I send you an email, you can reply to my email or call me back (slight exception is to reply to a Gmail email with g-chat if both people are green [if that made no sense to you, get with the freakin' times, Susie Q]). If I call you and leave a message, unless you can't use the phone (crowded place, meeting, class, etc) you need to return my call (I'd like to hold people to the 24 hour rule for returning calls, but lately I've been guilty of not calling people back soon enough, so I won't complain about people like Laura A. Nicholson). Another exception lies here: if the caller does not leave a voicemail, the informal 24 hour requirement is waived and the need to maintain communication hierarchy is also waived. Feel free to respond any way you wish. Hell, send a message in Morse Code if you know how(Bernard sure did know how). You can always go up the ladder, but you shouldn't go down the ladder. It's rude, and people notice.

4. People who walk around school or anywhere else with the iPod ear buds dangling around their neck or shoulder. I understand and I'm very impressed that you have an iPod. You look like an idiot. Take those off and put them in your pocket. Nobody thinks you're seconds away from listening to your stupid music anyway, so give it a rest. If you can't wait that long to listen to more of (quick, name somebody or some group the kids these days are listening to...[Latin class?])Rick Astley or The Alan Parson's Project, then just stay hell at home.

5. Sweat pants to school every day. Look, if you're going to the gym before or after class and you don't have time to change (or shower, for that matter) once in a while, it's understandable. Maybe you came from work and are going to the gym after class and won't have time to change. The reasons, the legitimate ones, at least, are few and far between. But if you're cruising around in your sweats all day every day, it's time to readdress your priorities. Now, I'm not one to be confused with a slave to fashion. But I wear slacks most days of the week in a professional setting. Jeans are also acceptable for men. Ladies, feel free to wear anything that is not also worn at the Olympics. It can't be that hard to find jeans or pants. You just look like you've given up on society. For God's sake, wear something that doesn't have an elastic drawstring out of the house once in a while, you might feel like an adult.

Sub-part to #5 is weekend morning sweat pants or basketball shorts in any social setting guy. Ok, going to the grocery store is not a formal event, but you don't need to wear the scrubs you slept in. You're not a doctor. You're lazy. When people, especially men because it's so easy for us to put on some jeans, go out to eat for a weekend breakfast or brunch and feel the need to wear what they slept in and sip on a hat, I'm offended. I know you just rolled out of bed. Your trucker hat isn't fooling anyone. You look like a bum. Nobody is asking for your tuxedo and polished beaver fur top hat, but how about something with a zipper?

Bonus complaint goes to the guy who lives below my apartment who has the worst cough this side of tuberculosis. Dude, I'm giving you Nyquil if you keep coughing. Take a coughdrops or something. Or better yet, see a doctor. If you've recently been on the Oregon Trail, you're screwed. But you're really grinding my gears.

Phew, I feel better.


N.a.t.e said...

Totally agree with you on the point regarding performance enhancement in sports. You hear these sports columnists complain all day long on espn about purity and cheating etc etc. Most of them look as if they have never put on a pair of walking shoes, let alone played the sport they cover. I must admit though, going to jail as opposed to admiting to taking performance enhancing drugs is totally not a smart thing (I.e. Roger clemens, barry bonds). The male ego can be one devastating thing. "yes I did it" can prevent alot of heartache and pain.

LegalBeagle said...

Where does leaving a comment on your blog fall on the communications hierarchy? And, by the way, when a voicemail message (in its entirety) says "Yo," that does not count for purposes of the 24 hour call return period.

Jordy said...

I think carrier pigeon is the most formal way to communicate. It's a huge effort to write and tie a tiny message to the leg of a flying rat/bird. That's only half the battle. You still have to train the bird to fly to the correct/desired location. A massive effort.

On the other hand, the pigeon will almost surely crap on the hand of the recipient....

On that note, I recind my previous statement.

Will said...

I am sad to report that Brooks Brothers no longer carries the polished beaver fur top hat.

FUNG! said...

Professional athletes--agreed. People want the tool in the Range Rover to be a role model?! Please, they've got about 5 baby mommas, 10 car payments, and 3 ginormous mortgages to pay off.

I think I might be shocked if it were some character like Battier or Kurt Warner. But for the most part, I can hardly be bothered to care.

Along the lines of communication hierarchy, people who call just to chat. Admittedly, girls are more guilty than guys, but Jesus! (sorry, jesus) I see you everyday, I live on gchat, and I don't even call my best friends "just to chat." Stop wasting my time and call someone else! That's what grinds my gears.

Wes said...

I am honored to know that I influenced this post by violating your little "communication hierarchy" a couple of days ago. Thank you for making my week productive.

Text message reigns supreme. Just the facts and instant access. What more could you want?

Shae said...

I think you need to add "What Really Grinds My Gears: FPLL Edition" by guest blogger Shae "5 seconds from Crazytown" Keefe. And yes, I just abbreviated Fred Parks Law Library; furthermore, yes, I do know I should go back to studying.

I also concur with your thoughts on the peanut butter/salmonella thing. I had purchased not only a regular jar, but also PB granola bars and PB and orange "cheese" crackers, (how is that a good combo btw?), like the day before the FDA announcement. Awesome. My only solace in dying from salmonella would be that I wouldn't have to take the Bar.

Kristi said...

Ok, where's your edit for me and my fellow preggers? If I'm pregnant, feeling bloated every second of the day, and quickly growing out of every pair of jeans I own, I have every right to wear sweatpants everyday to school. I consider myself lucky because I don't have to wear a skirt and heals each day of my pregnancy, so I will happily take advantage of my career as a student. I know they make maternity clothes, but as a law school student, I don't have the money to spend on clothes I will wear for only 6-9 months.

Austen Hobbs said...

Dude! Nice LOST reference (Bernard did in fact know Morse code and kept Daniel from getting one over on us).