Let's all go to the movies

Every generation has culture-defining movies. From the '80s, movies such as the Star Wars (which I personally am not a fan of, but that's not my point so let's just keep going), Indiana Jones, the Caddy Shack, ET, Scar Face, and so on and so on are the movies we (well, I, really) think of when we (again, I) consider the era or generation. The '90s had movies such as The Shawshank Redemption, Usual Suspects, Tommy Boy, Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction and Fight Club.

All this got me thinking....what are this generation's cultural icons? What is our Godfather? What is our Psycho? Well, this is the list, in my opinion. Feel free to chime in, I'm sure I left some good ones off the list (perhaps even on purpose). Also, these are in no particular order other than in which order I typed them in to the list. Finally, I'm defining the era for this list as between 2000 and now. Enjoy. (The titles are YouTube links, FYI)

1. Anchor Man. Arguably Will Ferrell's best work. Which, as some could argue, isn't all that great (Ferrell's work, not the movie). Sure, he's essentially the same character in every movie. Sure, he runs around in his tighty-whiteys (or less) a little too much. But, he is funny and this was his best movie. You really can't go a day without hearing somebody make reference to this movie. Truly classic. I also include Step Brothers, Blades of Glory, Talladega Nights, Wedding Crashers, Zoolander, Old School and Elf in this category. For the most part, these are the all the same movie. Think about it. I'm right, aren't I?

2. 300. Much like Sin City, this movie is based on Frank Miller graphic novels. Both of these are spectacularly violent. Both of these are great movies. 300 was insane in the IMAX theater. If it doesn't get you pumped up, you might not be normal. Great fighting scenes. I didn't think there was any anti-Persian sentiment in the movie, other than what was historically fairly accurate. This was not about East vs. West in today's political scene. This was about the Battle of Thermoppylae. Enough said.

3. Batman Begins. The return of Batman to this generation. Watching the old (well, from the 80s and 90s) makes me laugh now. Not because they're funny, but that they're so bad. Those are closer to the Adam West TV Batman than the newer Batman movies of the 2000's. Laughable.

4. Memento. This was the first movie with what I consider to be an anti-hero. What I mean by that is somebody who the viewer roots for and pulls for, but is not a "good guy" so to speak. The anti-heroes push moral and legal lines, but, nonetheless, are compelling characters. I think this movie paved the way for 24. Not at all in terms of going backwards, but because of the anti-hero angle. Feel free to disagree.

5. The Royal Tenanbaum's. Perhaps the funniest movie of the era, and one of my all time favorite movies. From an all-star cast, to a great story, to brilliant one liners, this movie has it all. Absolutely hilarious. Even though Bottle Rocket and Rushmore were so good, The Darjeeling Limited and The Life Aquatic were not enjoyable. At all.

6. Lord of the Rings Triology. These were good. You can admit you liked them. I never read the books, but I thoroughly enjoyed these movies.

7. City of God/Hotel Rwanda. I'll also include any other movie that made Americans feel bad about being Americans and not impoverished and uneducated people in third world countries. I haven't seen it but I would include Slum Dog Millionaire. I do include The Constant Gardener and Blood Diamond, to some extent. These were sad movies, but were good movies. This was part of the cultural overtones of the era, even if that sounds somewhat pretentious.

8. Mystic River. Another movie with an all star cast. This movie had it all: murder, revenge, drama, suspense. Great movie.

9. Pan's Labyrinth. I'm not the biggest fan of subtitles. I find them distracting. I think I miss things going on visually if I'm reading subtitles. This movie was still great. A mixture of fantasy, horror, and politics, this Spanish movie makes my list.

10. Training Day. Denzel Washington, one of the finest actors of the past 20 years, finally breaks from his holier-than-thou mold and plays (very well, I'll add) a bad guy. Another anti-hero, Denzel plays one of his best roles in this movie.

11. Snatch. (hey look, a bonus #11 on the list [and you were expecting 10]) is probably the best movie of this era. This is in my top 5 movies of all time. It has comedy, action, suspense, gangsters, British accents and a dog. An all star cast, again. Try watching this movie with subtitles (even though I said I don't like them, once you've seen a movie enough to know what's going on, it's ok) and you'll get at least 8 to 10 more jokes that you didn't get earlier because of British slang or accents. Every scene is great. Every line is great. Truly incredible movie.

12. Super Troopers (another bonus movie). Does anything need to be said about this movie? Hilarious. If you haven't seen it, you need to. Immediately. I struggle to trust people who haven't seen this movie.

That's it, that's the list.

More Rules to Live By Part 2

Before we get started, I'd like to point your attention to a new website (new to me, at least) known as dickipedia.org. Now, it's not obscene at all but it might be slightly off-color (OK, it's pretty vulgar but it is not Howard Stern bad). In essence, this site calls people out for being, well, the appendage, not the name. Back on topic.

Caption: Picture applies to both the general post and the random introduction).

There are certain rules we live by, in the name of ordered and decent society. There are other (seemingly random) rules we live by because they make social situations smoother and less awkward. Some rules are utterly arbitrary and do not matter one iota in the grand scheme of things. The following rules fall somewhere between the second and third category, although I'll freely admit that the list is much closer to the third than the second. On to the list.

1. Shotgun. This seems much more important to guys than anyone else (Guys are a subset of the human male species -- something I'll eventually get into but not at this point [also, Dave Barry wrote a whole book about it, so check that out if you can't wait]). There are a group of rules for calling shotgun.
(A) You have to be in view of the car to call shotgun. Not through a window, but in actual view. Line of sight, folks.
(B) Also, if you run outside to call shotgun and then come back inside, your first call is waived and you start all over.
(C) You can also call other seats, such as back seat left, or, as is common with my friends, "not behind Vik" (because of height). This is acceptable and you can call these seats before shotgun is called. Some people, and I won't say who (it's Thai Nguyen) refuse to sit in the front because they don't feel comfortable with a person behind them (I know, wacky, but it's his prerogative).
(D) You can lose shotgun if you yank on the door handle before it is unlocked.
(E) You can lose shotgun if you are outweighed by another member of your party or if you are shorter by 6 inches than another person in your party (this can be summed by by Big Boy Rules [as brought to you by Wes Holstrom]).
(F) If, for some reason, the owner of the car does not drive, he (or she, I reluctantly concede) automatically get shotgun. They can waive it, of course, but they get right of first refusal.

2. (This is the non-shotgun part of the post) Don't try and save money on seafood. Look, I realize the economy is down and people need to save some cash here and there. But the place to do that is not on seafood. Stay home. Discount seafood means trip to the ER. Believe me. I once got free "shrimp" fried rice from a Chinese take out place in New Haven and I couldn't leave the house for a week. I needed a hose, a mop and a new blanket. I'll just leave it at that. Red Lobster, Long John Silver's, etc. are places that we just shouldn't patronize, people. If you really want seafood, pay full price. It's cheaper (and less gross) in the long run. Nothing good comes from this. Let's just move on.

3. This goes to the second category listed above, but buy the first round. It's just good policy. You should definitely do this if you invite other people out. No jokes here, just (in my opinion) a solid rule.

4. Betting in increments of one dollar at sporting events is not only encouraged, it's almost mandatory. Let's just use baseball as an example. Betting on the outcome of an at-bat is one of the staples. Betting on hit or out is not enough, but single to left field or ground out to second are acceptable bets. For the record, popping out to third is NOT the same as fouling out to third (Jordy). Another strong bet is adding a dollar to a hat every inning, and dividing the innings between the participants. When the catcher rolls the ball back to the mound and it sticks on the top of the mound, the person who is assigned that inning wins the hat of $1 bills. There are more out there and you can use your imagination. Have fun. Nothing makes sports more fun than random and limitless gambling.

5. Throwing coins is not the same as making it rain, I've come to learn. Just wanted to pass that along to all of you. I learned that one the hard way.

Let's go streaking

We're going streaking...bring your green hat.

(click the link, people)

Well, besides being generally funny, that clip has nothing to do with what I'm talking about.

(Disclaimer: Although not as much as Luke or Jay, I'm not to be confused with a fan, per se, of ESPN. I think it has too much influence on sports and does more than provide news and information on sports, which I consider nothing more than entertainment. On to the post.)

The streak that I am talking about, however, is ESPN's Streak for the Cash. Now, for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I'll (briefly) explain. Users, in this case me, pick the winners of certain predetermined games on espn.com. There's no money involved, except at the end of the contest. You have to correctly choose 27 (used to be 25 before BigSam1122 won) games in a row and you win a million bucks. Also, each month, the person who correctly chooses the most games (not in a row) wins $2500.

I'm not advocating gambling on sports on the internet. That is currently illegal and I would never advise you to do anything illegal (not that I'm giving you legal advise -- that would be, ironically, illegal at this point in time).

Even though I know (ok, I hope but I'm fairly confident) I won't be able to win any money, suddenly I care a lot more about random sporting games. Some could argue I already cared too much about sports. It's just interesting to see if you can pick games correctly. My longest streak so far has been eight in a row. If anyone wants to make a side bet (gentleman's bet only, please) on their streak or month's output, I'm game.

You can't just pick any game. ESPN puts close games on the list. Most games involve road favorites, and if you know anything about sports, its fear the home underdogs. Especially in college sports. I'm re-learning this lesson. Slowly. But, I really enjoy picking games while I'm at work or at school (from my home computer or iPhone) and coming home to see my streak extended. For example, Everton (who I hadn't really heard of before) tied Liverpool today, my streak extended. Of course, I blew it when I took the team that 99.3% of America chose, but I digress.

Two weeks ago, I was thoroughly pissed when Dallas blew a game to the Milwaukee Bucks, who were playing without their two best players. Man, was I pissed. I lost last weekend when, contrary to ESPN's report, Danny Granger played (and dominated) and ended my streak after I picked again the Pacers. I just lost today when #4 Wake Forest lost to Miami (Miami!!!) in basketball. Here's my point. I think ESPN puts suspect (at best) information out there so that nobody will win the million bucks again.

I'll grant you that this post is not funny, but the subject is fun and entertaining, and that's what this blog is about.

You know what really grinds my gears Part 4

You know what really grinds my gears? Well, for your convenience, I've made a list. I haven't checked it more than once though, but I think you still get the idea.

1. Clif Bars. Ok, so I know I've told some people to eat them because they have some good nutrition, including vitamins, protein, not a lot of fat, sugar or calories, etc. Turns out, however, that even though they are good for you, they could kill you. Yes, sir, that is true. It seems that the peanuts they use to make Clif Bars have been found to be poisonous, and those peanuts have led to at least 6 deaths and nearly 250 injuries. Look it up if you don't want to take my word for it. Go ahead, we'll wait for you. Satisfied? Believe me now? Thank you. Back to my complaints. You know what I look for in a breakfast bar? Nutrition, convenience, not too much sugar, and no threat of death. Is that too much to ask? Surely, it is not. I received a letter from Sam's Club, where I bought a moderate to enormous sized container of Clif Bars a few months ago, informing me of the recall of Clif Bars and other products that contained those contaminated peanuts. Well, if I already ate most of those Clif Bars over the period of the past few months, can I still get a full refund? I doubt it. I'm just hoping I don't die. But that really grinds my gears.

2. Journalists, and, no, that does include me, who complain about the loss of innocence and purity in sports because people use steroids or human growth hormone. Wait, wait a minute...when billions of dollars are on the line, and a few people come close to the ethical line or go well beyond it, and you're surprised, does that mean you are more ethical than everyone else who doesn't care or, are you, as I submit, either looking for a cheap column or unable to pull the wool from over your eyes? (That was a long sentence, but I think it's grammatically correct) Really, people, who are the same as human beings, cheated? When billions of dollars are on the line? No effing way. Really? Get over it, journalists. Put down your coffee and Viagra if you don't believe in performance enhancement. Sorry to dip below the fray. Sports are entertainment, pure and simple. If you can't figure that out, you're probably why newspapers are teetering on the edge of bankruptcy (read: you're a moron, chief). Don't go looking for purity in sports because you're missing something in your life. At the same time, don't go looking to bring down people because you're still mad your father didn't play catch with you. Sports are like the movies, or music, or anything else. Does anyone care that Kurt Cobain was strung out on drugs? Well, other than Courtney Love, I suppose, would be a more fair question, but still. Louis Armstrong was busted for possession of marijuana. Does that make his trumpet sound any less spectacular? Ray Charles did heroin. Get over it. It's their life. Let them do what they want. It's not hurting you. If athletes are the moral beacon in society, we're going to need a bailout for more than just GM. You're hypocrite and a buffoon.

3. People who go the wrong way in the communications hierarchy. In my opinion, here is the order from least formal to most formal (correct me if I'm wrong): instant message, text message, email, phone call. So, if I send you an email, you can reply to my email or call me back (slight exception is to reply to a Gmail email with g-chat if both people are green [if that made no sense to you, get with the freakin' times, Susie Q]). If I call you and leave a message, unless you can't use the phone (crowded place, meeting, class, etc) you need to return my call (I'd like to hold people to the 24 hour rule for returning calls, but lately I've been guilty of not calling people back soon enough, so I won't complain about people like Laura A. Nicholson). Another exception lies here: if the caller does not leave a voicemail, the informal 24 hour requirement is waived and the need to maintain communication hierarchy is also waived. Feel free to respond any way you wish. Hell, send a message in Morse Code if you know how(Bernard sure did know how). You can always go up the ladder, but you shouldn't go down the ladder. It's rude, and people notice.

4. People who walk around school or anywhere else with the iPod ear buds dangling around their neck or shoulder. I understand and I'm very impressed that you have an iPod. You look like an idiot. Take those off and put them in your pocket. Nobody thinks you're seconds away from listening to your stupid music anyway, so give it a rest. If you can't wait that long to listen to more of (quick, name somebody or some group the kids these days are listening to...[Latin class?])Rick Astley or The Alan Parson's Project, then just stay hell at home.

5. Sweat pants to school every day. Look, if you're going to the gym before or after class and you don't have time to change (or shower, for that matter) once in a while, it's understandable. Maybe you came from work and are going to the gym after class and won't have time to change. The reasons, the legitimate ones, at least, are few and far between. But if you're cruising around in your sweats all day every day, it's time to readdress your priorities. Now, I'm not one to be confused with a slave to fashion. But I wear slacks most days of the week in a professional setting. Jeans are also acceptable for men. Ladies, feel free to wear anything that is not also worn at the Olympics. It can't be that hard to find jeans or pants. You just look like you've given up on society. For God's sake, wear something that doesn't have an elastic drawstring out of the house once in a while, you might feel like an adult.

Sub-part to #5 is weekend morning sweat pants or basketball shorts in any social setting guy. Ok, going to the grocery store is not a formal event, but you don't need to wear the scrubs you slept in. You're not a doctor. You're lazy. When people, especially men because it's so easy for us to put on some jeans, go out to eat for a weekend breakfast or brunch and feel the need to wear what they slept in and sip on a hat, I'm offended. I know you just rolled out of bed. Your trucker hat isn't fooling anyone. You look like a bum. Nobody is asking for your tuxedo and polished beaver fur top hat, but how about something with a zipper?

Bonus complaint goes to the guy who lives below my apartment who has the worst cough this side of tuberculosis. Dude, I'm giving you Nyquil if you keep coughing. Take a coughdrops or something. Or better yet, see a doctor. If you've recently been on the Oregon Trail, you're screwed. But you're really grinding my gears.

Phew, I feel better.

More Rules to Live By

Disclaimer: These are not my rules, but they're spot on. Prize to the first person who identifies the source and author. (Prize is one crisp dollar bill). Don't use Google or something like that to find the answer. Where' the fun in that? Is it ironic that there is a rule attached to a post about rules? I'm babbling...on to the rules.

1. Relax and take it easy. Don’t get caught up in hollow conceits such as “doing something with your life.” Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formula for disappointment.

2. Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field. Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don’t ask questions. Remember, the squeaky wheel is the first one to be replaced.

3. Size people up quickly, and develop rigid attitudes based on your first impression. If you try to delve deeper and get to “know” people, you’re asking for trouble.

4. Don’t fall for that superstitious nonsense about treating people the way you would like to be treated. It is a transparently narcissistic approach, and may be the sign of a weak mind.

5. Spend as much time as you can pleading and impressing others, even if it makes you unhappy. Pay special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm. Remember, in the overall scheme, you count for very little.

6. Surround yourself with inferiors and losers. Not only will you look good by comparison, but they will look up to you, and that will make you feel better.

7. Don’t buy into the sentimental notion that everyone has shortcomings; it’s the surest way of undermining yourself. Remember, the really best people have no defects. If you’re not perfect, something is wrong.

8. If by some off chance you do detect a few faults, first, accept the fact that you are probably deeply flawed. Then make a list of your faults and dwell on them. Carry the list around and try to think of things to add. Blame yourself for everything.

9. Beware of intuition and gut instincts, they are completely unreliable. Instead, develop preconceived notions and don’t waver unless someone tells you to. Then change your mind and adopt their point of view. But only if they seem to know what they’re talking about.

10. Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn’t work. Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and run, but it takes a very special person to stay with something that is stupid and harmful.

11. Always remember, today doesn’t count. Trying to make something out of today only robs you of precious time that could be spent daydreaming or resting up.

12. Try to dwell on the past. Think of all the mistakes you’ve made, and how much better it would be if you hadn’t made them. Think of what you should have done, and blame yourself for not doing so. And don’t go easy. Be really hard on yourself.

13. If by chance you make a fresh mistake, especially a costly one, try to repeat it a few times so you become familiar with it and can do it easily in the future. Write it down. Put it with your list of faults.

14. Beware also of the dangerous trap of looking ahead; it will only get you in trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion. Don’t get sidetracked with some foolish “plan.”

15. Finally, enjoy yourself all the time, and do whatever you want. Don’t be seduced by that mindless chatter going around about “responsibility.” That’s exactly the sort of thing that can ruin your life.

Youtube Moment of the Week

Aggie Glory

(Click the hyperlink above)

Disclaimer: This is in no way, shape, or form endorsing Hitler. It is, on the other hand, in every way, shape and form, mocking the Aggies (Insert Tulane joke here, if you want).

Nickname Rules to Live By

Many of you know this already, but I call nearly every one of my friends by a nickname. Most of these are funny, some make fun of the person, and some commemorate stupid things done or said. At the same time, nicknames are a term of endearment. It shows you care.

I also call strangers nicknames. Most of these make fun of strangers that I have judged for almost always a superficial reason (which almost always turns out to be correct, even if Will McMillan thinks I judge people too quickly).

There are certain rules for nicknames. If we don't have rules, people, we descend into chaos. A parallel is to calling shotgun. One of the most important rules for calling shotgun is you have to be in view of the car to call shotgun. It's black and white, folks. In any event, on to the nickname rules (note: this is the first in a series of Rules to Live By posts)

1. You cannot give yourself a nickname. If you decide, for example, on the first day of college that you would like to be known as Cougar, even though you have never been called Cougar before, that nickname does not count. A self-given nickname is a sign of idiocy. You might as well tell people to call you an idiot. You know what would happen in this purely hypothetical scenario? Cougar gets turned into something much less flattering. Which leads me to the next rule.

2. Rhyming with a person's name or mispronouncing somebody's name does in fact count as a nickname. I'll use myself as an example. I've been called Mr. Figs for coming up on three years. Granted, it hasn't caught on as well as Corey Maggette'e nickname, but it's out there.

3. Natural. The nickname can't be forced. It has to flow. Recently, one of my law school buddies nearly got stuck with the nickname Frenchy because he wore a beret. The rest of us tried to call him Frenchy, but it just didn't stick. So, it went by the wayside. Closely related is the next rule...

4. You can't fight the bestowing of a nickname. This same friend who shall remain nameless (it's Leighton [whoops]) didn't like Frenchy and tried to avoid it. That only pushed the rest of us to pushing the nickname on him out of semi-spite; we hoped he would surrender to the nickname, but it didn't happen. But, when rules 3 and 4 clash, 3 wins.

5. Clarity. The justification behind a person getting a nickname needs to be clear. If you have to explain the nickname, it's not a good one. Now, what kind of a lawyer would I be if I didn't have an exception to my own rule? Here's the exception folks: if the back story is embarrassing or hilarious, the nickname counts. Also, there is a Grandfather clause. If the nickname dates back more than ten years, whatever the reason is, and the person still answers to the nickname, it's a true nickname. Longevity is a sign of a truly great nickname. Either that, or worthless unoriginal friends. If people know a person by the nickname predominantly, its gold (Sweater).

6. No jumping on the bandwagon. You can't just jump on to somebody else's nickname, unless it is by express invitation. If you don't know why somebody is called a nickname, you can't call them that.

7. You cannot refer to yourself by your nickname. This one is fairly straight forward. Unless you're Shaq, you can't call yourself your own nickname.

8. Changing languages is entirely appropriate. And then changing it back to English is even better. I'll explain this by way of example. Trey got the nickname, "da le" (which, in Spanish, means, "kick it"). This nickname was chanted and yelled. It was a good one. But, at some point, I changed it to Dale. As in Earnhardt. And, it works. If you figure out how to call somebody "Dark Horse" in Mandarin, I say go for it.

9. KISS. Keep it short, stupid. You have to limit the nickname. It can't be a sentence or a story. 3 words, max (not including "the" or "a").

10. Be original. Put a little thought into a nickname. Not too much, but some. It's a delicate balance. Chief, while funny, is not a nickname. Neither is ace, slick, boss, or champ. Feel free to use these monikers, but I think its best to use these when you either don't know the person's name or are using it derisively. On the other hand, played correctly, "Something McSomethingerson" can be hilarious [for example, if you see somebody wearing a dumb hat and sporting a beard, calling them Hatty McBearderson is both funny and appropriate).