Wednesday, February 4, 2009

More Rules to Live By Part 2

Before we get started, I'd like to point your attention to a new website (new to me, at least) known as Now, it's not obscene at all but it might be slightly off-color (OK, it's pretty vulgar but it is not Howard Stern bad). In essence, this site calls people out for being, well, the appendage, not the name. Back on topic.

Caption: Picture applies to both the general post and the random introduction).

There are certain rules we live by, in the name of ordered and decent society. There are other (seemingly random) rules we live by because they make social situations smoother and less awkward. Some rules are utterly arbitrary and do not matter one iota in the grand scheme of things. The following rules fall somewhere between the second and third category, although I'll freely admit that the list is much closer to the third than the second. On to the list.

1. Shotgun. This seems much more important to guys than anyone else (Guys are a subset of the human male species -- something I'll eventually get into but not at this point [also, Dave Barry wrote a whole book about it, so check that out if you can't wait]). There are a group of rules for calling shotgun.
(A) You have to be in view of the car to call shotgun. Not through a window, but in actual view. Line of sight, folks.
(B) Also, if you run outside to call shotgun and then come back inside, your first call is waived and you start all over.
(C) You can also call other seats, such as back seat left, or, as is common with my friends, "not behind Vik" (because of height). This is acceptable and you can call these seats before shotgun is called. Some people, and I won't say who (it's Thai Nguyen) refuse to sit in the front because they don't feel comfortable with a person behind them (I know, wacky, but it's his prerogative).
(D) You can lose shotgun if you yank on the door handle before it is unlocked.
(E) You can lose shotgun if you are outweighed by another member of your party or if you are shorter by 6 inches than another person in your party (this can be summed by by Big Boy Rules [as brought to you by Wes Holstrom]).
(F) If, for some reason, the owner of the car does not drive, he (or she, I reluctantly concede) automatically get shotgun. They can waive it, of course, but they get right of first refusal.

2. (This is the non-shotgun part of the post) Don't try and save money on seafood. Look, I realize the economy is down and people need to save some cash here and there. But the place to do that is not on seafood. Stay home. Discount seafood means trip to the ER. Believe me. I once got free "shrimp" fried rice from a Chinese take out place in New Haven and I couldn't leave the house for a week. I needed a hose, a mop and a new blanket. I'll just leave it at that. Red Lobster, Long John Silver's, etc. are places that we just shouldn't patronize, people. If you really want seafood, pay full price. It's cheaper (and less gross) in the long run. Nothing good comes from this. Let's just move on.

3. This goes to the second category listed above, but buy the first round. It's just good policy. You should definitely do this if you invite other people out. No jokes here, just (in my opinion) a solid rule.

4. Betting in increments of one dollar at sporting events is not only encouraged, it's almost mandatory. Let's just use baseball as an example. Betting on the outcome of an at-bat is one of the staples. Betting on hit or out is not enough, but single to left field or ground out to second are acceptable bets. For the record, popping out to third is NOT the same as fouling out to third (Jordy). Another strong bet is adding a dollar to a hat every inning, and dividing the innings between the participants. When the catcher rolls the ball back to the mound and it sticks on the top of the mound, the person who is assigned that inning wins the hat of $1 bills. There are more out there and you can use your imagination. Have fun. Nothing makes sports more fun than random and limitless gambling.

5. Throwing coins is not the same as making it rain, I've come to learn. Just wanted to pass that along to all of you. I learned that one the hard way.


Anonymous said...

Don't forget, "never trust a firsty firsty." It's a solid rule that should be followed.

Jordy said...

What kind of person would I be if I didn't TRY to argue that a pop-up in foul ground is the same as in fair territory? I expect the same circular reasoning from you. More so now that you're a lawyer.

More on topic, I agree that betting makes everything more fun. We did a number squares thing for the Super Bowl. Everyone was cheering for obscure, unlikely events like 3 safetys and 7 field goals.

To add to your point, you can bet on ANYTHING. It doesn't have to be sports. Trading Places taught me this valuable lesson.

Trey said...

You mean like betting on a person's lifespan?