Tuesday, February 24, 2009

You know what really grinds my gears Part 5

You know what really grinds my gears? The things on this list, conveniently, grind my gears (it's almost like I planned that). Now, remember, these are just my theories. I like to say theories because it sounds more authoritative that "idle speculation" or "gum-flapping." Anyway, on to the list.

1. People who top off their Cokes (Yes, they are all cokes. We're in Texas. It's a Coke. People will ask what you want to drink and you say a Coke and then people ask you which kind of Coke you want and you say Sprite or Dr. Pepper or Pepsi. Call it a Coke, because that's what it is. Not pop, not soda, not sodey-pop. Coke.) at the fountain when refills are free when people (namely, me) are standing behind them in line. Lady, you can get a free refill. You just need to walk back over and get a refill. It's free. You don't need to tap the dispenser 5 to 7 times after the cup is mostly full. Don't be that lazy. Now, when people (namely, me) are behind you, and you see them, and you tap the dispenser two more times, it's just spite. And you know it. Don't do that if people are behind you. Actually, don't even do that at all. Just get a refill.

2. What's the deal with vests? When you're wearing khakis, an oxford shirt, a cap, brown loafers and a vest, what message are you sending? Normal clothes are not enough? That I need to keep my chest warm while my arms remain slightly cooler? You look foolish. Cut it out.

3. More fashion here, and this is mostly about people in Houston. Whenever it dips below 60 degrees, people in Houston flip out and pile on their winter clothes. Look, sweetheart, I know your daddy bought you those gloves, the overcoat, the variety of scarves and the hat, but its nearly 60 degrees. We don't even need a jacket, really. Long sleeves will probably suffice. I'm all for dressing decently and properly. Believe me, I am. But you don't need to wear the winter collection from Neimann Marcus just because it's 58 degrees. You look ridiculous.

4. Ok, if you didn't hear about the monkey in Connecticut, I'll give you the Cliff's Notes version of the story. Lady adopts former movie star chimp. Chimp goes crazy, mauls woman's friend, police shoot monkey after woman unsuccessfully tries to fend off monkey with butcher knife and shovel. Police at some point say "let's get out of here, that guy doesn't have a face." (I don't even know what that means, but it was on the police tape and was hilarious). Turns out, woman slept in the same bed with the monkey and called it her son. The chimp had escaped previously. Get this, in the woman's car. She taught the chimp to drive. Imagine that....you're driving down Boston Post Road (that's a road in Connecticut, if you didn't know) and you see a chimp pulling up to you in a Honda. WTF? Was that a chimp? Did that chimp just cut me off? Back to the woman, if you'll indulge me. How in the world did the chimp get the keys? If you know it can drive, lock the dang keys up. My questions surrounding this event are assuming we are all beyond the point of asking why a 70 year old woman needs a 200 pound monkey as a pet. This is stupid people. It's a bad idea.

5. People who are annoying as all hell, but have know idea that they're annoying. You need to learn people are sick of you and will actually move across a room because of your presence. You're annoying. Figure it out. We all have. Don't act like that anymore, or, if you must, do it less loudly (nice way of saying shut the hell up).


Julieanne03 said...

I love the Coke idle speculation. Laughed loudly.

Colin said...

So when it is 58 degrees out, should I wear a vest? Too hot for a coat, but too cold for just a shirt. . .