Top 10 signs you're getting old

1. When the music really is too loud. Look, we've all been there. You just want to talk to your friends, you don't want to dance, you just want to talk about the good ole days, but you can't since you can't hear, since the music is too loud.

2. When you can't even identify the genre of music being played, let alone the name of the band.


3. When you come home at 7am and you say to yourself, damn, I'm getting too old for this s&@t,Vegas be damned.

4. When you really do want to keep those whippersnappers off the lawn.

5. When conversations with your friends (those you can hear, at least) center on IRAs, school districts, and interest rates.

6. When guys being drafted into the NFL were in high school when you graduated from undergrad (not to mention just calling college "undergrad")

7. When hot wings or enchiladas at 11 means Rolaids at 1.

8. When you can remember drinking water out of a glass and not out of a bottle.

9. When you start spotting grays in your goatee (OK, that's just me) or on top of your head.

10. When you really do look forward to (and need, to be honest) that wake up cup of coffee.

Honorable mention goes to: When, after playing basketball or football, you either ice your knee or think to yourself "these old bones"; when you're actually offended by jokes that aren't at your expense; when your idea of a great Saturday afternoon includes a nap; whenever nearly everyone of your stories begins with, "remember when..."; and, finally, when you remember Lou Holtz as the cheating coach at Notre Dame and not the moron with the speech impediment and the coke bottle glasses who spits all over the set on ESPN.

I beat espn.com's Bill Simmons

From today's Sportguy article. Note, I said this first. Sunday. Not today. I was first. In your face. Thank you. (Jennifer, I'm going to credit this to espn.com and put quotation marks so I don't get sued. Right move?)

"Saaaaaaved byyyyyy zerrrrrr-ohhhhhhhhhh.

"Now, for a limited time only, you can get amazing zero APR financing on your favorite Toyota."

Saaaaaaved byyyyyy zerrrrrr-ohhhhhhhhhh.

"That's 0 percent financing on 11 different models! Featuring Toyota's legendary quality. No other car brand can make this offer. So hurry in now, and see how much zero can save you on a brand new Toyota."

Saved by zero! Saved by zero!

(By the way, I did that off the top of my head. We are reaching the point where I am two weeks away from stopping by my local Toyota dealership, buying a brand-new Toyota Tundra with zero APR financing, driving the car off the lot, doing a U-turn, then plowing it through the front window of the dealership at 60 mph while screaming, "SAVED BY ZERO," like the guys from "Red Dawn" screamed, "WOLVERINES!" Cut down on the ads, Toyota. We're not kidding. You know why you haven't see John Mellencamp in two years? He's trapped in the basement of some frustrated baseball fan who dressed him like the Gimp and keeps him in a trunk after hearing "Our Country" for the 700,000th time. Look, we're all ecstatic that the guys from the Fixx are getting royalties again. Just tone it down. We get it. Zero APR financing. Heard you loud and clear.)"

Winner? Not Sportsguy...This guy.

update on Saved by Zero

Looks like I'm not the only one who hates "Saved by ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRROOOOOO"

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5gLHlYbnhuANpXVn0z3MntM1retcAD948SVRG0

Facebook groups, other bloggers, even the AP hate this ad.

Thanks for the update, Luke.

DISCLAIMER/APOLOGY

It was brought to my attention that some inappropriate and obscene images were placed on my blog. I apologize to anyone who was offended or was looking at this blog at work or school.

Please know it was not me who put these images there. Why anyone would hack my blog is beyond me, but please know it was not me who did this.

I have tried to keep this blog PG-13 (at worst) and have heavily limited my profanity and kept all posts out of the gutter, so to speak. I do this so you can feel comfortable reading along at work or school or in mixed company. That was one of my goals from day 1, and will remain so.

If anyone sees anything else that is offensive, please let me know so I can remove it. Thank you.

A new theory has come to light, thanks to Laura. I posted pictures by copying and pasting URLs from the Internet. That URL is no longer the UPS guy but something less kosher, shall we say. That new image was saved in the old location, leading to trouble. Again, my apologies.

a few thoughts on the elections

Ok, this is not going to be a regular part of the blog, but I felt the need (and was cajoled by somebody who I sometimes disagree with but, at the same time, whose opinion I respect) to say a little something about the recent political changes. I'll start with the Obama-mania and then turn to a few of the important local elections.

First Disclaimer: For those of you who know my political feelings, you know that I am an economic conservative and I have some liberal social leanings. I'm not going to be confused with Nancy Pelosi; at the same time, I won't be confused with George W. either. I am in favor of women being able to choose whether or not to have an abortion and I think we should recycle and conserve our natural resources. At the same time, I think the "idea" about global warming is overblown by the media and I think the government should stop legislating morality and keep its ever-growing nose out of the economy. Second Disclaimer: If you disagree, that's cool. If you agree, also cool. This is just one man's somewhat informed opinion. In any event, on to the races.

I think Obama HAD to become President. Change is a good thing. The country had swung too far to the right and was too heavily influenced by the religious right. I think the country began this swing in 1994 when the Dems were swept out and the GOP had free run over both the House and Senate. Things intensified when W became President. 9-11, a truly tragic and life-altering moment, only pushed things further right. And I agreed with the decision to put the fight to terrorists and go after Osama bin Laden. Iraq, not so much. Especially since no Iraqi's (to our knowledge) were involved in 9-11. Egyptians, Saudis, Pakistanis and Afghans were responsible. But, this is a post about elections, not 9-11 and the war, so I'll re-focus.

W won again in 2004, more by default than by true victory over the largely impotent and inconsequential John Kerry. How a man so worthless could become Senator truly boggles the mind. Although asking how a man so worthless became President is not only a fair question, but perhaps a better one. In any event, I digress, once again.

The country HAD to go back to the left. Much like the economy, politics is cyclical. Much like a pendulum, things will swing back to the center and then some. How far the swing to the left will be is up in the air and this is my true fear. The Wall Street and financial bail outs make me shudder. And this was pushed by the GOP. This is America, not the USSR. Hey Washington, stay the hell out of the economy. You morons are just going to mess it up. And believe me, "mess" was far and away the nicest word I thought. And it wasn't even close. Believe me, I realize all Beltway Insiders, across the aisle, are in bed with big business and whose vote is always available (just name the price). I'm not naive. But at the same time, let the economy cycle. It will be fine. Don't play God and step in. Stay out. However (channeling the incarnation of pure evil, Stephen A Smith) I think Congress should certainly concern itself with the BCS and steroids in baseball. Forget that fact that we are in two wars, our economy is not exactly humming along on all cylinders, and health care being in the toilet, let's talk about sports. You all know I love sports, but there ARE more important things for our "leaders" to address.

Anyhoo, here is my point (wow, that took a long time, even for me)...I hope this GOP disgrace will be the kick in the pants the GOP needs to get back to its roots of economic conservatism and small government. Balance the budget. Don't, and I'll repeat, don't "tax and spend." Do what you promised you would do, if you can even remember.

I hope Obama takes this country back to the middle. Historically, our country has worked best with a different party in control of Congress than in the White House. When it's the same party, bad things happen. (I'd say the Patriot Act, but I don't want to be water boarded for using my 1st Am. rights). Here's the problem, as I see it: Obama is somewhat left (how far depending on who you ask) and Congress is left. Citizens are looking for change from the previous administration and the religious right. Look at the fervor with which people were celebrating the election results. I only hope we don't become Sweden, or worse, France. I can see shades of socialism in the buy out, and I don't like it. I hope I'm wrong (wow, when have I ever said that???) and that we go back to the middle where we should be, but I just don't know. And nobody will know for at least 4 or 8 years, or possibly even longer (History shall be our guide) how Obama did. We don't need to focus on this immediate second. Take a long-term view. Look at the horizon. Then we can see what worked and what didn't and who was right and who was wrong.

On to the local scene (for those of you not living in Houston, or even Texas, feel free to read on but you probably won't care anymore [assuming you cared before])...

1. Judge Pay Lykos, at the time of writing, was up by close to 4400 votes with 99% of precincts in. Thank God. Chief Bradford was an incompetent Police Chief and would be a worse DA. Come on people, remember the police lab scandal? The perjury? The raise he gave himself right before he left office? The boost in pension he gave himself? This is the guy he want in charge? I don't think so. Now, I've heard Judge Lykos can be a bit short with people. I've also heard she's one of the sharpest judicial minds in Texas. This is the person we want in charge.

2. So many criminal judges will be different come January. Democrats have ridden Obama's coattails all across the nation, and the Harris County Criminal Justice Center is no different. Don Stricklin, Brock Thomas (not to mention his father, soon-to-be-ex-Sheriff Tommy Thomas), and Caprice Cosper will be disrobed, so to speak. But people like Off her rocker Crocker stay on. Perhaps this is why judges shouldn't be elected, but that's for another time. Don Stricklin was one of the finest judges in Harris County. A case set in his court would actually get to trial in less than one year. I just don't know what these new judges are going to do. I don't think I'm exactly entirely unbiased in this regard, but it's moronic that all these judges were swept out on the wave of Democrats who came crashing down on Harris County simply because they were Dems. I don't care which side of the aisle you're on, good criminal judges are so valuable. You don't sweep them out because you like Obama. And I think that is what happened. And I don't like it. Perhaps these new judges will be great, perhaps even better than those they replaces. I truly hope so. But, again, only time will tell.

3. Ed Emmett snuck back in as County Judge because of his swift and efficient reaction to Hurricane Ike. David Mincburg is a successful businessman and was a key member of Mayor White's administration. Heck, he even had a pretty catchy radio jingle. Judge Emmett, however, is the straw that stirs the drink in Harris County. The right man won this election.

Well, this could all be wrong when I wake up (I'm talking about things on the local scene; Obama hooped McCain [no repeat of the 2000 hanging chad and recount incident, so let's stay above the fray, folks]). But I doubt it.

You what really grinds my gears...Part 2

These doozies narrowly missed the first list, but are nearly as annoying.

1. The UPS Whiteboard commercials. In all honesty, some of the transmogrifying drawings are quite clever. Some are even fairly creative. But that long-haired doofus who "stars" in the commercials is a freak of nature. You know what's worse, I can't even figure out what it is exactly I dislike so much about this guy. I don't know what it is, but he really gets under my skin. It may be that he thinks he's so great. (Random but kind of related tangent: As I'm writing this, that freakin' saved by zero ad came on. I just realized zero is the interest rate and not the name of a new model. I actually looked at the TV when this came on and learned something new. Go figure.) I always liked the "What can brown do for you?" ad campaign, for obvious reasons.

2. Red Lobster. No offense meant to the late, great Chuckie Brown (Wait, Chuckie's not dead? Really? My mistake.) but Red Lobster is garbage. Come on folks, is it really noteworthy that it is currently Lobster Fest when it is ALWAYS Lobster fest? Why don't you just tell us when it's not Lobster Fest and save the rest of us some confusion. Secondly, saving a few bucks on seafood is not exactly my idea of a good time. I'll gladly pay an extra few dollars and get the fresh seafood that wasn't rejected by the cat food factory. Let's move on.

3. Olive Garden. Really, they send their "chefs" to Tuscany to train with great Italian master chefs on the secrets of reheating factory-prepared sauce and boiling noodles. I promise, they really do that. Because we all know how much Italians love Americans, especially those American chefs who are working for Olive Garden and pumping out all those masterpieces. Give me a break. You jackasses reheat the sauce and microwave the chicken and you know it.

4. Verizon. You don't actually have those guys following us around, checking the service and towers, Verizon. It was creative. It really was. But that was 2005. How about a new ad campaign? That jerk with the thick glasses (another "fashion" trend that bothers me, but i digress) needs to go. Enough is enough. Can you hear me now?

5. ITT Tech and all the other schools for losers. OK, losers might be a harsh word, but we're not talking about the cream of the crop here, people. If you are laying on the couch around 1pm, waiting for inspiration as to what to do with your life, are these people who barely have a pulse, let alone a career, truly going to get you off your butt and into "school?" Look, I'm as in favor of people working and contributing to society as anyone else could be. But you're not going to make your dreams come true by going to ITT Tech. You might not even make more than $10 per. So let's quit selling false hopes, ITT. For their sake.

You what really grinds my gears...

The following commercials, in fact, grind my gears, to turn a phrase. In honor of the first offender, I'll make this list five, but, trust me, many more could have made this list. As always, your comments are welcomed and encouraged.

1. "Five. Five dollar. Five dollar foot long." This Subway commercial is mostly mindless, but that inane jingle always gets stuck in my head. Believe you me, when you're whistling "Five...Five dollar..." when you're trying to get a coke out of the fridge, you've got problems. And that problem is Subway. Which leads directly to #2.

2. Jared from Subway. Ok, we get it. Subway plus exercise helped you lose weight. So did the gastric bypass you fail to mention you had. Oh, you didn't mention that, did you? What a liar. And a jerk. Disclaimer: I don't actually know he had the surgery, but I just assume. Also, to quote Jeremy, "Way to go. You went from a fat slob to a nerdy loser." I'd call that a lateral move, folks.

3. "Saved by Zero." This car not only sucks, but the song is equally bad, if not worse. Now, I'm not saying Honda makes bad cars. A lot of people drive Hondas. They're dependable. Good mileage. Decent re-sale value. Pretty good buy. But good night, these commercials are terrible. Remember the one with the car who spoke to a turtle in one commercial and then to a lobster in another? Horrible. Shameful. Somebody needs to line up the ad department over at Honda and slap them, one by one.

4. Frank TV ads. During the MLB playoffs on TBS, seemingly every other pitch was followed by a promo for Frank Caliendo's "hit" "show" Frank TV. This short bald freak does one good impression, and that's John Madden. He has a few other decent ones, but to give this man a show (an entire freakin' show!!!) is just embarrassing for the rest of us. This guy could do a guest spot on a sketch comedy show from week to week. He's even mildly (not retarded, although I wanted to say that) entertaining. For about 3 to 4 minutes. But to give this a-hole a show is terrible.

5. The Charmim bathroom tissue bears. First of all, who calls it "bathroom tissue"? I'm not blowing my nose into this stuff. It's toilet paper. This isn't rocket science, folks. And I think it's just gross to give bears toilet paper. Imagine the mess that would make. Better yet, don't imagine that. It will haunt your thoughts and dreams for years. That's just gross.

Also, I hate Chris Berman. This had to be mentioned at some point.